A Strangeite View of the World

This Guy is My Hero

2009-11-16T16:22:00.000-08:00

Public Service Announcement

2009-10-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

It is recommended that all households have smoke detectors but I believe that for homes with small children there needs be an additional kind of an alarm.

The Quiet Detector.

Tonight Anna had a board meeting and needed to work late. After dinner, I surveyed our living room which looked like a Toys R Us had vomited all over; and, being the super-human husband that I am, I decided that it would great if I cleaned the living room and kitchen. Things went pretty well with the living room, since Sophie only pulled out about 75% percent of everything that I just put away. I like to think of cleaning the house as a war of attrition and I only have to outlast Sophie for another 15 years.

So I started on the kitchen. It was at this point that Sophie informed me that she was going to make a bed for Tiger Lily in the Parlor. I thought "Great! Anything to keep her out of my hair while I clean."

This is where a Quiet Detector would have come in very handy. You see, I managed to clean the kitchen, make my self a drink and then turn on the BBC Nightly News, and I still hadn't heard a peep from my daughter.

Obviously, I was suspicious and went to investigate. Sophie had in fact made a bed for Tiger Lily on the coffee table but at some point decided that the cat wasn't feeling well. So being the caring 3 year old that she is, she went and got the Desitin butt cream and applied a very liberal amount deep into the cat's fur. To "Make her feel better," as Sophie put it. Apparently, Wendy-dog wasn't feeling well either, because she also got a dose of butt cream rubbed into her fur.

I have since cleaned the butt cream from the carpet, couch, pillow, blankets and everywhere else that I could think of (not to mention the poor animals' fur).

The moral of the story is, while peace and quiet is what many of us dream of, the consequences of such quiet usually spells trouble.

Hence why our household needs a Quiet Detector.

Smile

2009-10-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

I was having crappy day at work and while waiting for Anna I found the following video on my iPhone. It brought a smile to my face and became the 11,239 reason why I love the internet.

Turning Plowshares Into Swords.

2009-10-09T08:38:00.001-07:00

Everything is Crystal Clear.

2009-10-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

Coming out of the Dungeon.

2009-08-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

Over the last ten years a trend has emerged that really gets under my skin.

I am a member (or at least was) of an oppressed minority that over the course of many years co-opted the derogatory term that was used against us as a badge of honor. Life was never easy for us. Unless you were willing to be ridiculed mercilessly, you couldn’t openly ask others if they shared the same interests. The only way to meet others was by collecting phone numbers off the back wall in dimly lit establishments. You then called these strangers and made arrangements to meet at their house. You never knew what you were walking into and more likely than not, they were a little crazy. But you didn’t care. You would do this again and again, because damn it, you needed your fix.

D&D (or more accurately AD&D 1st edition and then 2nd Edition), GURPS, MechWarrior, Call of Cthulhu, Rifts, Vampire, Marvel Superheroes, it didn’t matter. There was something special about sitting around a table with a bunch of guys (because it was always males), collectively telling a story.

We had a our bags of dice, elaborately painted miniatures, shelves upon shelves of books, cases of Mountain Dew, Doritos, pencils, paper and imaginations that could not be contained by the borders of Kentucky.

We were gamers and proud of it. But starting sometime around 2000, people that played video games started calling themselves gamers. I have nothing against video games and enjoy them occasionally but what they were doing and what we were doing weren’t anywhere close the same thing. When you play a role playing game (don’t even get me started on the video games that are classified as an RPG), you are participating in an organic story limited only by the collective imaginations of the people sitting at the table. When you play a video game, you are interacting with a story limited by what the programmer felt important to include.

Both may contain very similar themes, but at their core, the two hobbies could not be further apart. In fact, I could argue that they are the very opposite of each other.

But here we are in the year 2009 and almost exclusively the term “gamer” is used to identify people whose hobby is playing video games. What’s worse is that the role playing industry is moving towards making their games more video game like.

Arrrrgghhhhh!!!!

I know that I don’t have the time, but I really need to make the trek to the Rusty Scabbard, walk to the back wall and tear off the slip of paper with a phone number.

I still have my dice.

Music Meme

2009-08-04T06:53:00.001-07:00

There is a meme floating around where you answer a series of questions using the song titles of only one artist. I thought I would give it a try, but I must admit that I have cheated. I choose Jimmy Buffett, which really isn't fair since the man has 8 billion songs. I did challenge myself a little by only using song titles from albums he released in the '70s.

Anyway, here you go.

Pick your Artist
Jimmy Buffett

Are you a male or female?
Son of a Son of a Sailor

Describe yourself.
God’s Own Drunk

How do you feel?
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink and I Don’t Love Jesus

Describe where you currently live.
Found Me a Home

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
He Went To Paris

Your favorite form of transportation.
God Don’t Own a Car

Your best friend is?
A Pirate Looks at Forty

You and your friends are?
The Peanut Butter Conspiracy

What's the weather like?
Trying to Reason with Hurricane Season

Favorite time of day?
Livingston Saturday Night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?
The Wino and I Know

What is life to you?
Stories We Could Tell

Your last relationship?
Treat Her Like A Lady

Your fear?
Nothing Soft About Hard Times

What is the best advice you have to give?
Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes

Thought for the Day.
Something So Feminine About a Mandolin

How I would like to die?
Defying Gravity

Gather round the fire

2009-07-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

It seems that currently the hip meme running through the blogging world is telling ghost stories. It all started with Stephanie’s very good post about an experience she had in Amsterdam. From there it spread like wildfire and you can find other stories here, here, here and here.

For me personally, I am a little confused on the subject. On one hand, my favorite column in Scientific American is Michael Shermer’s Skeptic. I try to be a pragmatist and think rationally on subjects that on the surface seem to defy a rationale explanation. However, on the other hand, I have had some really really weird things happen to me in my life that I can’t explain in a satisfactory manner.

I am not going to tell you any of the stories that have happened to only me because, while I don’t think it is the case, there is always the possibility that I am simply bat-shit crazy. I might be so freaking insane that my memories are complete bunk and my mind has somehow created these vivid memories.

So no, the story I am going to tell is one where there was another eye witness.

Before we begin, let me give you a little background. The other person present was my friend Jeff. While I don’t remember exactly how old we were, it certainly happened more than 15 years ago. Neither one of us liked to talk about this event. Especially if the other was present. I can’t really explain it, but it seems “wrong” to discuss the event together. Even now, typing this after more than 15 years, I feel a little paranoid. It is almost like I am experiencing the beginnings of a panic attack. I know that Jeff has already written about this story on his blog, but I have never read it. I just can’t do it. My wife has told me that his account is very similar to my account, but I am not going to go read it.

Anyway, here is the story.

One the best things about growing up in my neighborhood were all of the friends that were the same age. There wasn’t a square inch of that neighborhood that we hadn’t explored to the depth of detail that only youth permits. One of our favorite activities was spending the night at each others houses and then slipping out very late. We never really did anything bad. Just boys being boys.

On this particular evening, I was spending the night at Jeff’s house. Jeff and I lived in what we boys called the “new section” of the neighborhood. When my grandmother developed the neighborhood, she created three different phases. The first phase was the “old section”, the second was the “new section” and the third was a section that had not been developed yet.

Right in between the new section and the old section was a lake. This was a man-made lake created when a dam had been built in a deep valley. The quickest route for us boys to travel from one section of the neighborhood to the other was by walking along a path that went down into this valley on one side of the dam. The entire path was maybe ¼ of a mile long, at most. While fairly short, this area could be pretty spooky because fog coming off of the lake would settle into this valley and on one side of the bath was the foundation of an old pig slaughtering facility.

This evening though there was nothing really spooky about the area. We had spent most of the night in the old section of the neighborhood with friends. At about 3 or 4 in the morning, we were headed back to Jeff’s house. When you are heading to the new section from the old section, you walk down a nice wide road until it dead ends. When you reach the dead end, you take a sharp right next to this nice elderly couple’s house and start descending down the path into the valley.

We made our turn and were walking about 150 feet from the large triple car garage door of this elderly couple’s house, when suddenly the very bright light over the garage door came on and the garage door started to open.

Doing what boys do best, we ran. Immediately upon realizing the door was opening we turned 180 degrees from the door and started running into the empty field. And this is where things turned weird.

When we were about 300 feet from the garage door, both Jeff and I fell, face first. Somehow, and I have no idea how, we were then lying in the grass facing the garage door. We should have been facing the opposite direction when we fell, but we weren’t.

I can’t speak for Jeff, but from this point on, I will be telling you what I saw.

I am lying in the grass looking at this open garage with a large bright light illuminating the driveway, when what appeared to be about 25 to 30 “little kids” emerged from the garage. We weren’t that far away, but these kids looked blurry. They all were wearing some kind of grey jumper. These kids were running around in the middle of the driveway very fast, jumping up and down and making little squeaking noises. For some reason, I then and still to this day, want to call these kids German. They didn’t speak German and they were not wearing lederhosen but for some reason I want to call them German.

These kids continued to run around, jumping and making their little squeaks for about 2 minutes then suddenly they all ran back into the garage, the door shut and the light went out. I then remember Jeff and me standing up, looking at each other but not saying a single word. Then the next thing I knew, we were both lying in Jeff’s bed. I have no memory of walking back to Jeff’s house. I just remember lying in the bed and going immediately to sleep.

The next morning, I got up, maybe said bye to Jeff and went home. Each of us told friends about the story but for some reason could not talk about it to each other. It was years and years before either of us would even briefly mention it if the other was present.

In case you are interested, here is Jeff’s take on the event.

But I still won’t read it.

Enjoy this brief intermission

2009-07-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

I know the blog has been dead for a while.

Sorry.

In the mean time, enjoy this simple little Quidditch game I made in Scratch.

There are some bugs but since I have only about 4 hours (I thought it was about 2.5 but Anna told me it was 4) of work into the game, I am happy with the result so far.

Arrow keys control your Chaser and the Spacebar shoots the Quaffle when you are in the scoring zone (about the quarter of the screen close to the Rings).

Learn more about this project

The Bell Curve of Complexity

2009-05-28T15:48:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about complexity lately. We live our lives constantly interacting with different systems of varying complexity and scale. These systems are nestled like Russian nesting dolls inside of, and making up, countless other systems. In Gödel Escher Bach, Hofstadter argues that our souls are the result of unimaginably large self-referential systems that fold back upon themselves (which book, I might add, has the most profound things to say on the nature of intelligence that I have ever read).

You can’t delve too deep in the rabbit hole that is looking at the world as an infinite series of systems, for that way lies madness. Or enlightenment. I don’t know which, but both are dangerous. I do think it is good to periodically stop and ponder on how large a role complexity plays in our lives.

I read an article today about a man that has just finished building an 8-bit CPU by hand. His CPU is the equivalent of an Apple IIe or a Commodore 64 (the picture to the left is of his CPU). For most people a computer is the magic box that sends email, surfs the web, balances their checkbook, etc. The more you learn about computers, the greater their complexity grows. Computers become far more complex if you know a little programming. But at some point as your knowledge of a system grows, the complexity of said system starts to decrease.

“Computers can seem like complete black boxes. We understand what they do, but not how they do it, really,” says Chamberlin, the guy that built the CPU. “When I was finally able to mentally connect the dots all the way from the physics of a transistor up to a functioning computer, it was an incredible thrill.”

I am seeing a similar realization in my own life. The primary reason I have been neglecting this blog is because I have been neck deep in planning the Bluegrass Festival. This will be the 36^th year for the festival, which means that I have been a part of this festival since I have been alive (including in the womb). My earliest memories of the bluegrass festival are winning prizes at the vendor that sold kid’s trinkets, the sofas and recliners that were hoisted into the gigantic oak trees at people’s campsites and being shooed out of the store because I was always underfoot.

As I got older, the festival grew in my eyes. I started selling t-shirts at the store and ice off the back of a golf cart. Backstage seemed like a place that I wanted to be, even though I had no business being there. When I turned 12, my friends and I started camping, which made the festival grow by at least an order of magnitude. Suddenly, there were other campsites that we could visit (or at least spy on), beer to sneak out of coolers, tents to pitch and campfires to start. Move forward a few years and you add working gates shifts, organizing the schedules of friends to work, building overly elaborate kitchen areas, etc.

Over the last couple of years, I have been trying to help my grandmother out by taking some of the planning off of her shoulders. The complexity of the festival as an organism in my mind has grown larger than any of the previous jumps. I never imagined the scale of “stuff” involved in planning such a large event.

Here’s the thing though. I think I have reached some kind of plateau where I am realizing that no other person, besides my grandmother, knows the level of detail and complexity of this event but at the same time it is becoming simpler. It is hard to describe but, if I didn’t know better, I would swear that I can hear the heartbeat of the festival. At minimum, I have at least a small understanding of what the CPU guy was talking about when he said it was a thrill to connect the mental dots.

I believe it is good for the soul to understand something so well that its complexity is stripped away not because you have removed its components but because you see it as a whole.

Of course it is far more likely that I just need to eat my bowl of Wheaties in the morning.

I'm Lazy. So What?

2009-05-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

I still have not been able to find the mental energy to compose a decent blog post. A Bluegrass Festival won't plan itself you know.

Anyway, being the nice guy that I am, I have ran a couple of filters in Google Analytics and had it spit out a list of the most popular blog posts. So, I thought I would give you a trip down memory lane and write a blog post in which I simply link to my own blog posts.

(I am very aware of how egotistical this is)

Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool

This is the most popular post on my entire blog. My only guess is that many poor saps think they are going to find the lyrics to the Fresh Prince.

Shit.

Kid Nation of Capitalistic Pigs

An Anthropolgical Study of Parents.

Death Match to the Extreme!!!!

By the Power of Rationalization!

Quack, Quack, Quack.

Weapon of Mash-Destruction.

The Return of the Comic

Still Without A Name Comic 2

We are an Honorable Band of Thieves

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in D&D.

The White Man's Burden.

I plead guilty to treason.

2009-04-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

I know that I have been remiss in my civic duties to the Republic of Blogmoria. As soon as I created the fancy new banner for this blog, I immediately fell off the wagon and ceased publishing the thoughtful and illuminating posts you have all come to love.

I have a really good excuse though. You see, I downloaded this new app for my iPhone called ‘stachtastic that allows you to add a mustache and beard to the faces of people. My favorite is the one called Osamabin’stachin. It has become a real problem. I find myself spending every waking moment (and the damn app has made these far outnumber the sleeping moments) adding humorous mustaches to peoples’ faces. My fingers have developed quite impressive calluses and gained so much muscle mass that they now resemble jumbo hotdogs from using the touchscreen.

This addiction has resulted in more than just physical deformities. My internet routine has significantly suffered as a result. I just checked Google Reader and it gives the cryptic number of unread posts as 1000+. This number is a gross underrepresentation of how bad it has gotten. The subcategory of Apple has 985 unread posts, Geeky has 1000+ unread posts, Politics is 840, Science 1000+, etc. Hell, I have 913 unread articles from the BBC alone.

Damn you ‘stachtastic!!! I am not sleeping, or eating, or bathing, and systematically you are ruining my life by leaving me no free time to do anything, much less think about a blog post.

Oh, and I guess working on the bluegrass festival has contributed some to my lack of Internet participation.

Big Blue Nation

2009-04-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

With the recent announcement of Calipari as the new coach of my beloved Kentucky Wildcats, there has been an resurgence of the myth in the national media that Kentucky fans are too extreme and out of touch with reality. The myth states that we ran Tubby out of town because the entire fan base hated the man for not winning 10 national championships. I don't believe this myth is true. When Tubby left most people I know were upset that he left. Most people I know thought that Gillespie deserved more time. I am telling you, the vast majority of Kentucky fans are rationale human beings with realistic expectations for their program.

However, I do think I know why this myth keeps being retold and I have numbers to prove it. Rivals is the largest college basketball website out there and has a fan forum for each NCAA team. It also happens to be the place where the pundits pull quotes from "crazy Kentucky fans". One handy metric is that each of the forums have at the top of the page a counter which lists the record for the number of fans visiting its forum at one time. I don't think it is too far a stretch to suggest that a fan that creates an account and logs in to a basketball forum is a "hardcore" fan. Most people watch the team on TV and maybe wear a hat with the logo; but, most aren't logging into an online forum to follow the latest rumors.

So lets take a look at the most people logged into the rivals forum for some of college's elite programs.

Duke 1218
North Carolina 1885
UConn 305
Florida (They don't even have a basketball forum, just football and "Other Sports")
Kansas 383
Michigan State 1039
Arizona 641
Maryland 727
Syracuse 1101

Now let's look at Kentucky's record.

Kentucky 22215

You read that right. Twenty-two Thousand Two Hundred Fifteen. So, for our experiment, lets say that one percent of these "hardcore" fans are complete whack jobs. The kind of nuts that need psychiatric help and will say truly outlandish stuff. If you are Duke, you have 1.2 nuts, North Carolina 1.8, etc. However, Kentucky would have 222 of these nuts saying crazy things. So when you hear ESPN read these outlandish comments, keep in mind that they don't represent the entire fan base, it just seems like we have more of them, because there are more UK fans.

I FEEL LIKE I'M FIXIN' TO DIE

2009-03-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

Well come on all of you big strong men,

Uncle Sam needs your help again,

He got himself in a terrible jam,

Way down yonder with Taliban,

Put down your books and pick up a gun,

We're gonna have a whole lotta fun

And its 1,2,3 what are we fighting for?

Don't ask me I don't give a damn,

The next stop is Pakistan,

And its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates,

Well there ain't no time to wonder why,

WHOOPEE we're all gonna die

Well come on wall street don't be slow,

Why man this is war go go go,

There's plenty good money to be made,

By supplying the army with the tools of the trade,

Just hope and pray that if they drop the bomb

They don’t drop it wrong.

And its 1,2,3 what are we fighting for?

Don't ask me I don't give a damn,

The next stop is Pakistan,

And its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates,

Well there ain't no time to wonder why,

WHOOPEE we're all gonna die

Well come on generals let's move fast,

Your big chance is come at last,

Gotta go out and get those arabs,

The only good muslim is one that's dead,

And you know that peace can only be won,

When you blow them all to kingdom come

And its 1,2,3 what are we fighting for?

Don't ask me I don't give a damn,

The next stop is Pakistan,

And its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates,

Well there ain't no time to wonder why,

WHOOPEE we're all gonna die

Well come on mothers across the land,

Pack your boys off to Pakistan,

Come on fathers don't hesitate,

Send your sons off before its too late,

Be the first one on your block,

To have your boy come home in a box

And its 1,2,3 what are we fighting for?

Don't ask me I don't give a damn,

The next stop is Pakistan,

And its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates,

Well there ain't no time to wonder why,

WHOOPEE we're all gonna die

Well it is official. President Obama has announced that we are officially at war in Pakistan and not just sending drones across the border to blow the hell out of them. WHOOPEE.

Ohh, and the above picture is not photoshopped. It really is one of the Taliban's leaders talking to Wired about how he is addicted to his iPhone.

NERDS RULE!!!!

2009-03-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

I just would like to take this moment to say that NERDS RULE!! The Woz received the lowest judges score for the last six years on Dancing With The Stars, yet after viewer votes are added, he ended up in the top 4.

What else did you expect when you use telecom lines and the internet for your voting? The other contestants are doing battle on our turf.

It is all a Pinko plot.

2009-03-20T10:23:00.001-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! It looks like DRM not only punishes us average law abiding citizens but affects political leaders too.

In case you missed the news, when Prime Minister Gordon Brown made his first visit to the White House he presented President Obama with an ornamental pen holder made from the wood of the sister ship that provided the wood for the Oval Office desk and a first-edition set of a seven-volume biography about Winston Churchill. A pretty cool and thoughtful gift.

President Obama gave PM Brown a 25 disk set of classic American movies. The kind you see in the clearance bin at Best Buy. The English people were pretty upset and thought it was a snub by the White House. Personally I think Obama is a terrible gift giver.

However, the story gets much better. Apparently, the White House bought Region 1 DVDs and not Region 2 DVDs. All DVDs are encoded with a DRM scheme to allow them to only be played on DVD players from the region in which they are bought. So PM Brown is forced to either throw the presidential gift of DVDs into the trash OR become a law-breaking pirate if it wants to watch them.

When will the world wake up and realize that DRM is stupid and only handcuffs the good guys?

Take On Me.

2009-03-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

Rome is Burning.

2009-03-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

On Friday I sent out a text message to some friends that said “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no NIT,” but the truth is that I do fear the NIT. Since I was Sophie’s age, the University of Kentucky has always made the NCAA tournament (except for those years that an express mail package busts open filled with cash). To say that I feel adrift is an understatement. Being a Kentucky basketball fan is more than simply cheering the local squad. In many ways it a defining quality of what it is to be a Kentuckian. And right now, the program is separating the men from the assholes.

My fear of the NIT is that if we do very well, it will be akin to a 19 year old beating up a 7th grader at the playground. And if we suck…. well, I don’t really want to think about that. My fear was compounded yesterday when the NIT bracket was released and we received a 4 seed. You read that correctly, the storied Kentucky basketball program received a 4 seed in the NIT.

As I made clear in my earlier post, I am not advocating that we publically lynch Coach Gillespie. Ignoring the fact that we need to give the coach more than two years, it would be very counter-productive to the program to fire a coach after the team achieved a winning season. Simply having more wins than loses is not acceptable; but, it could have been worse.

So I sit in the middle of March with nothing to do. I could watch and enjoy the NCAA tournament even though my team isn’t playing but it seems weird. I am sure that many of you do this (I am looking at you South Dakota readers) but part of me feels like I should give up on the tournament as a sort of punishment. Yes, I realize how stupid that sounds.

Before anyone suggests that I support one of the other three Kentucky teams in the tournament, I plan on doing just this (even Louisville but I am gritting my teeth).

So what else happens in March?

The White Man's Burden.

2009-03-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

Here in Kentucky the weather is finally starting to turn warm for stretches longer than 8.6 seconds and with it comes my annual lamenting of the fact that society has failed men. Sunshine, warm temperatures and birds singing are nice but this move away from winter always disrupts my life. The kids love playing in the park and my wife enjoys opening all of the windows. You see people on the street smiling but in the back of my mind I am stressing over what the hell I am going to do with all of my crap.

I am something of a packrat and winter plays very well with this quirk. My winter coat (which incidentally by calling it a “winter coat” would bring howls of laughter from our northern friends) is blessed with 6 very large and deep pockets. These pockets are filled with various bits and allows me to become a walking Home Depot.

So what am I to do? Seinfeld, if it has taught us nothing, has taught us that no matter how hard you believe, a European Carry-All will never be anything but a purse. I am comfortable enough in my manhood to wear pink shirts to work, but I draw the line at walking around with a purse. Over the years I have thought of a few alternatives but each has their own drawbacks.

The Fishing Vest. At first glance this appears to be the perfect substitute for my winter coat. Even more pockets, light weight and comfortable. For weekends this would be a perfect solution. The problem arises during the work week. I wear a dress shirt and tie everyday to work and in my mind’s eye the fishing vest just doesn’t go with dress clothes. In fact it strikes me as something the Unabomber would wear. Nothing screams unhinged like dress clothes and a ratty fishing vest loaded with shit.

A briefcase. During the workweek a briefcase would be an adequate solution even though I would hate carrying the thing. However, all of my non-work clothes were purchased circa 1994 and have a distinctly out of date grunge look. I think I would rather walk around with a purse than look like a wanker wearing worn out jeans, t-shirt, flannel shirt and briefcase. This is the kind of person that would be beaten in the street by Pixie fans.

A Backpack. A backpack has all of the advantages of a briefcase plus the benefit of not having to carry it. I hate the idea of lugging the thing around but it would work. The biggest disadvantage of the backpack is my vanity. I am 31 years old and having a backpack slung over your shoulder strikes me as something for much younger people. Not sure why, but to me using a backpack for everyday use just seems like something you should leave behind in your twenties.

A Sherpa. Hiring a Sherpa to lug all of my crap would work, but my car is pretty small as it is and I don’t really have room for another person. That and a white guy hiring an ethnic minority as a personal servant to follow them around everywhere doesn’t seem like such a good idea.

A Pack Mule. Again, this would work but I think my office would not appreciate a mule defecating on the floor in my office.

Society has failed men by not providing us with a social appropriate storage device. A Bag of Holding (or for you non-D&Ders, a bag with an Undetectable Extension Charm like Hermione’s) would work but despite my silent prayers each night, magic doesn’t seem to actually exist.

1-800-HELP-ME

2009-03-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

This morning I feel like a woman that is continuously beat up by her man but keeps returning to him time after time. I want to make excuses for his sorry behavior. He will change. This time is different. It is my fault, as I was just too hard on him and put too much pressure on him. He loves me. He really does. You people just don’t understand.

I AM still making excuses and defending him, but… Georgia. I mean really…Georgia. We have arguably two of the top three best players in the SEC but we lose to…. Georgia.

Anyone know of a local shelter for abused basketball fans?

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in D&D.

2009-03-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

This may come as quite a shock to many of my readers, but I am a nerd and have been one for quite some time. While it isn’t entirely clear exactly when I underwent this metamorphosis, my best guess is that it was sometime during the second trimester, which interestingly enough, was about the same time my mother attended a KISS concert with me in the womb. My specific taxonomic classification would have me placed within the Phylum of Escapist and further classified within the Class of Role-Player/Comic Book Geek.

Since I have never really been cured of this affliction (despite the fact that I somehow ended up marrying such a hottie), I have been playing D&D with Riley and my cousin Paul (who is much closer in age to Riley than to me). During these sessions I have subconsciously found myself imparting life lessons upon the boys.

I am currently playing a Halfling Rogue whose personality is patterned on Bernie Maddoff. As such, I have convinced Riley and Paul to “invest” their gold into my “sure-fire” investment strategy. At level 1 they have already given me most of their gold and I convinced them that the best way for them to maximize the return on their investment is to recruit more investors. During the same session, our DM, Brett convinced Paul to purchase the extended warranty on a sword he purchased at the market.

These sessions have got me thinking and I quickly came to the realization that D&D has taught me several important aspects to life. Here are just a few.

Check for Traps. It is the wise player that when entering into an unfamiliar room within a dungeon or opening a chest filled with treasure, first stops and searches for traps. This is good advice. Unknown situations can harbor all kinds of dangers and it is common sense to “look before you leap”, be it kicking in a door to rescue the princess or buying a used car. Anyone know the challenge rating of used car salesmen?

Adventuring with Idiots. I can’t count the number of times that my adventuring party was slaughtered because of some asinine action on the part of another player. Just because it was your friend that was the idiot doesn’t mean that you are going to be immune from the consequences. This is particularly important when you are forced to make constitution checks due to the imbibing of alcohol.

Know your Foe. If you find yourself in a battle with a Wraith and have never learned that non-magical weapons will have no effect, then you are going to die very fast. Whatever you are trying to accomplish in life, it is important to be as informed as possible. That and bringing your towel.

Run Away!! Run Away!! Just like King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, when faced with challenge beyond your level (e.g. the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog) the best course of action is to run away. Yeah, the girl is cute, but you have been slapped five times in a row. Run Away!! Run Away!!

Grimoire of Big Booms. Quick!! Which is most likely to do more damage, rolling 1d12 or 1d8+4? Sometimes it seems that an advanced degree in mathematics is required to complete a single round of combat in D&D. In reality, the complex number-crunching of your average min-maxer has applications in everyday life. OK, maybe not, but I would like to think that all of that number crunching has made me slightly better at math.

Negotiating with Gods. In every role players life there will arise a situation where you need to make a wish. To most folks being grated a wish would be a wonderful gift. To a role player it means that you need to spend hours drafting an air tight verbal contract in a Faustian attempt to close all possible loopholes. And you will fail. No matter how hard you try, your DM is going to find a loophole in your wish and make you pay for not having an army of lawyers on retainer. Personally I would rather fight the Tarrasque than wish for a new pair of socks.

You always hear people say that playing sports builds character and prepares children for life. While this may be true to a point, nothing prepares our sons and daughters for the spiked pits and conning NPC's of life like D&D.

I Am Lord Richardson!

2009-02-26T08:43:00.001-08:00

I feel the need to warn the world about a potential threat to our very existence. I suspect that former Governor Bill Richardson may in fact be Lord Voldemort.

Anna has been listening to the Harry Potter books on CD while doing such mundane activities as fixing dinner, cleaning the house, caring for our children, etc., and while she listens to the books I do productive things like sit on my skinny ass and play poker on the iPhone. It was while listening to the books that I have come to the horrifying realization that Bill Richardson is Lord Voldemort.

As as I am sure you are aware, Pres. Obama first picked Richardson to be Secretary of Commerce but a silly grand jury got in the way when it indicted him for breaking campaign finance laws. At this point, Lord Richardson could no longer be the Commerce Secretary and Head Master Obama was forced to find another individual for the post. If you have been following the news, you are also aware that this has been a very difficult task. Obama is now on his third nomination for the post and the newest pick is having troubles.

Does this sound familiar? Of course it does. We all know that Lord Voldemort wanted to be the Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts and when he was refused the post, he placed a curse upon same and no one else was able to hold the position for more than a year. It now looks like the same curse has been placed on the Secretary of Commerce.

Obviously, muggles would never make this connection; therefore, it is up to Harry Potter fans to spread the word. I keep hearing Sean Hannity refer to Pres. Obama as "The Chosen One", so we must do everything we can to help him locate and destroy Lord Richardson's horcruxes. I considered editing Bill Richardson's wikipedia page to warn the world about his true identity but Lord Richardson has probably put the moderators of Wikipedia under the Imperious Curse and I don't want to have my wikipedia account banned because then I wouldn't be able to warn the world about the alien lizard people living in underground government bunkers that are secretly controlling the Illuminati.

An Anthropolgical Study of Parents.

2009-02-24T06:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight Pres. Obama will deliver his not-quite State of the Union address but it seems that few people are paying much attention to this speech. My best guess is that the Union is in a state of shock and nobody wants to hear how crappy things have gotten. So I am going to jump on the bandwagon and ignore it as well.

I have been meaning to write this post for some time (I had an earlier draft written about six months ago) but never got around to finishing. What is the topic that I want to discuss? The changes that having a small child brings about in otherwise normal adults.

Let us examine some of the behavior that I have observed in Anna and I.

1. You clap and celebrate such amazingly spectacular events like a character in a television show singing a song. Or putting on pants. Or pooping in a toilet. These events produce an applause usually reserved for rock stars, but Goofy can receive a standing ovation for saying “Garsh!” So can Mommy.

2. Once 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, drinking mimosas, four star hotels and the like were considered the height of luxury but now being able to finish a meal is a luxury seemingly only reserved for royalty.

3. Our bathtub has become a repository for toys and a canvas for graffiti.

4. Due to the evil manipulations of Elmo and his kin, we now normally refer to ourselves in the third person. Daddy is going to work. Mommy loves Sophie. Not entirely sure what psychological ramifications exist because of this behavior; but, they can’t be good.

5. When trying to teach your small child things like doing somersaults, you do things with your body that should have been forgotten years ago. Seriously, they are a bad idea.

6. Going to bed at 9:00 seems like a really good idea.

7. The idea of finding ourselves without any orange juice in the house gives me cold chills.

8. Going to the grocery store requires outfitting yourself like a Sherpa scaling Everest, complete with bags, provisions and spare supplies.

9. Duct Tape once was the tool that could solve almost any problem but it has been replaced by the band-aid. Scrapped your knee. Here is a band-aid. Bumped your head. Here is a band-aid. Your tummy is sore. Here is a band-aid. The Wildcats lost three games in a row. Here is a band-aid.

I would love to hear any other anthropological changes that you have observed in either yourself or others because of the addition of small children.

EDIT: OK, some people are thinking about the speech. Read this excellent piece by George Lakoff via Fivethirtyeight. Really, go read it. It is good.

The Perfect Cheeseburger.

2009-02-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

My wife makes the perfect cheeseburgers.

Half a pound of beef, cheese, lettuce, bacon, caramelized onions and a fried egg.

One step removed from Nirvana.

Buckle Up!! It is going to be one hell of a ride.

2009-02-17T11:03:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago I mentioned in passing the possibility that we are approaching the singularity. It was one of those throw-away words that I didn’t give much thought and as consequence I have heard others mention it numerous times since I wrote that post.

For those of you not up on your futurism and/or science fiction (some would claim they are the one and the same) let me give you a little primer. The singularity is a theoretical point in the future wherein technology advances to such a degree that we experience an unprecedented burst of innovation and advancement. The theory is that once we have machines that achieve near-human intelligence, those same machines will be able to design even more intelligent machines, which design even more intelligent machines, and … well you get the idea. While the rise of intelligent machines is the first domino, intelligent machines alone don’t bring about the singularity. E.O. Wilson in his wonderful book Consilience argues that Science is advancing to the point where we are approaching a unity of knowledge.

This isn’t some crazy notion concocted by a bunch of sci-fi nerds, but is a theory supported by some of the brightest minds in the world. Carl Sagan believed that we would be approaching the singularity by 2030. Ray Kurzweil has basically devoted his life to the idea and made it his goal to live long enough to witness such. Even business people like Jack Welch and Bill Gates are saying it is inevitable. Google and NASA have partnered to create a think-tank devoted entirely to the subject.

So what does the singularity mean for you and me? Nobody knows and that is the whole point. We are talking about such a rapid change in both technology and society that predictions would be impossible. We are talking about a change so great that a good analogy would be like taking a person from the year 1000 and dropping them in the middle of 2009, except we would have change that drastic every 10 to 20 years. Our dreams of flying cars and Rosie the Robot may seem quaint within our lifetime. Kurzweil wrote in 2001: “The Singularity is technological change so rapid and so profound that it represents a rupture in the fabric of human history. Some would say that we cannot comprehend the Singularity, at least with our current level of understanding, and that it is impossible, therefore, to look past its "event horizon" and make sense of what lies beyond.”

Do I have anything interesting to say on this subject? No, not really. For those worried about being able to adapt I don’t really have any advice except to read more science fiction. Those sci-fi nerds may just be your best bet for being able to adapt to whatever new paradigm is over the horizon.

Happy B-Day Old Man!!!

2009-02-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Charles Darwin!!

One of my many, varied, nuanced and irrationally passionate pet-peeves are the idiots (and yes you are an idiot if you have drank this particular brand of Kool-Aid) who believe (yes I am using the word believe) in Intelligent Design. It really gets my blood boiling because of their insistence in wrapping their particular pile of dog shit in scientific mumbo-jumbo and passing it off as Science. If these nut-jobs stopped there it wouldn’t be so bad because the peer-review process of modern science would weed these kooks out; but, they use the levers of democracy to try and out flank real science by inserting their poison into public schools.

Ok, the point of this post isn’t to rail against modern day “Earth is flat” morons, but to celebrate Darwin and his contribution to our understanding of how the universe works. Most people know that Evolution and its underpinning description of reality that is Natural Selection is the foundation for modern Biology; however, his theories have profoundly “evolved” many branches of science. One example that I have learned about (thanks Scientific American) is Superorganism Dynamics. My feeble amateur explanation would be to describe it as the evolutionary process happening on a macro-scale. Think of a colony of ants evolving as if it was a single organism. The interesting part is that this has implications for very non-biological systems as well. The same rules seem to apply to traffic patterns and how memes spread through the internet.

Cultural evolution and the study of the evolutionary processes that accompany human language are two more areas where evolution has had a profound impact on non-biological areas of study. My point is that Charles Darwin’s theories have had a more profound impact on our understanding than any other individual since Aristotle. And since it was nearly 2000 years before Aristotle’s ideas began to really blossom and move us exponentially forward, I think that we haven’t even scratched the surface of the impact of Mr. Darwin’s theories.

200 years ago today Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin were born. If you know me at all, you know that I am a huge Lincoln fan; but, Pres. Lincoln doesn’t hold a candle to the impact upon the world that Charles Darwin has had.

Take a moment and raise a glass to Darwin.

EDIT: If I have offended you with this post, sorry. I am not really sorry but I felt like I should apologize just the same.

The Man kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank!

2009-02-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

Obama has been President exactly three weeks and in that time he has accomplished quite a bit that I can be proud of. He has ordered a suspension of the "trials" for Guantanamo prisoners, refunded stem cell research, signed an executive order making it clear that we will not torture, signed the fair pay act, ordered the DEA to stop raiding medical marijuana dispensaries, thereby ending the stupid constitutional conflict between the Feds and the States, and many other things.

There is one thing that President Obama has done that I don't agree with and think is very counter-productive. Mere days after being sworn into office, he authorized an attack on the tribal region of Pakistan using unmanned drones.

I am not arguing that these attacks were bad from my position as a pacifist; but rather, from the pragmatic position that these attacks actually hurt our mission in the area. Pakistan has nuclear weapons and tops the list (along with Mexico, believe it or not) of nations most likely to suffer a complete collapse of government. To the people of these tribal regions, unmanned drone attacks are the cowards way of fighting a war and help foster hostility towards the US and by extension the existing Pakistani government.

Obviously, sending manned bombers increases the risk to soldiers lives; but, war shouldn't be easy. When fighting a war (or playing a game of chess) you have to keep your ultimate objective in mind when making any move. The use of unmanned drones might kill the target you are looking for; but, if doing so increases the number of radicals and further destabilizes the Pakistani government, then you are winning the battle while losing the war.

War is a dirty, nasty, messy (and yes, evil) enterprise; but, I shudder to think that we as a nation might arrive at a day where we can wage a war without risk to American lives. It seems to me that one of the last checks on America's military power is the public's aversion to body bags.

So in short, unmanned drones are bad, not only because they undermine your primary objective, but also because they give the untruthful impression that they are without cost.

Would you like the Red Pill?

2009-02-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

Do you hear that? That sound of breaking glass is human’s place as the smartest creature on the planet being shattered. IBM has just announced that the Department of Energy has placed an order for a computer to be installed in 2012 that will process 20 petaflops a second. This is pretty remarkable because it has been less than a year since we built the first computer that can do 1 petaflop a second.

Estimates of the computation power of the average human brain ranges from 10 petaflops to 1000 petaflops. So Sequoia, the name of the new computer, will be the first machine ever built that has the possibility of equaling a human brain in terms of raw computational power. Obviously the human mind is a complex machine that very well may be far more than raw computational power; however, the truth is that we don’t really know if there is more to it than raw power. But we are about to find out. Even if the computational power of the human brain is more in the 1000 petaflop range, we should be able to reach it in five years or so.

In addition, if the laws of diminishing cost continue to hold, you should be able to buy a computer with the same computational power for about $1,000 in less than 10 years. At that point, we should be only a few years away from building a computer that will have the computational power of every human mind on the planet combined.

What does all of this mean? I could get all Ray Kurzweil on you and start talking about the singularity (although Google and NASA believe in the singularity enough that they just announced that they are partnering on a research facility dedicated to it) but I think at the least, we are about to find out if consciousness is truly “unique”.

So, do you want the Red Pill or the Blue Pill? You may have to decide sooner than you think.

Escape to Neverland

2009-02-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

It has been an interesting week. Once the envy of the world, Iceland's economy is now on the fast track to being one of the world's worst. Mogadishu is collapsing. Renewed violence in Gaza. Not to mention the "greatest natural disaster" to ever strike Kentucky. At least according to our governor.

However that is not a mountain of snow, it is beautiful white sand in Florida. While my beautiful Commonwealth was being battered by snow and ice, the family and I packed up to worship the Corporate Mouse.

The weather was about 80 and sunny all week. We went swimming and relaxed at the resort. Here is the view from our balcony.

The kids had a blast.

Disney World is a huge place and the attractions are numerous and varied; but, I think these last two pictures of Dumbo and Sophie sitting in Pluto's house, sum up the vacation very well.

A week in the sun and warmth while not reading the news has been very good for the soul. Alright, I had better go and call an electrical contractor to fix the storm damage and then take apart the toliet. Too bad the magic couldn't follow us north.

Holy Frak!!! Time to Place Your Bets.

2009-01-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

Alright toaster-lovers, this is your last chance to state for the record who you think is the final Cylon.

I am 85% sure of my guess but I will post it in the comment section in case anyone doesn't want to hear people's theories.

Time to put your reputation on the line.

WHO IS THE FINAL CYLON?

Are you chicken?

A New Tradition Is Born

2009-01-14T05:56:00.000-08:00

Growing up in the Commonwealth of Kentucky there are certain things that seep into your consciousness. One of those tidbits of Kentucky Basketball knowledge is that Dan Issel was the man. Since he played for Kentucky from 1966 to 1970, obviously I never saw him play but growing up here you knew the name. You also knew that his 53 points scored in a single game was one of those records that would probably never be broken in the modern era. A holdover, if you will, of a simpler time. So the name of Dan Issel was kept alive down generations of Kentucky Wildcat fans that had no direct knowledge of his skill.

My children and grandchildren will know a different name.

That name is Jodie Meeks.

Last night Jodie Meeks scored 54 points against Tennessee on the Volunteers home court. This was not a game that I believe many pragmatic Kentucky fans thought we would win.

Not only did we win; but Jodie Meeks put on the most impressive display of basketball prowess I have ever seen.

Congratulations Jodie. You have now become a legend. And I am thankful that I was a witness.

HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!!!!!

2009-01-08T08:39:00.001-08:00

On a Disney forum that I frequent in order to plan our upcoming trip, there is an area for discussions of any kind. Currently there is a thread wherein a bunch of conservatives are scared to death that once Obama takes office, gas is going to sky rocket to over $7 a gallon. So I thought I would take advantage of the situation and make them an offer they can't refuse. Here it is.

For those of you worried that gas will hit $7 a gallon once Obama is sworn in, HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!!!!!!

Between now and January 15 (going to Disney so that will be the deadline) I will sell you credits for gasoline at the reasonable price of only $5 A GALLON!!!!! So when gas rockets up to over $7 a gallon, you can be comfortable in knowing that you locked them in for the bargain basement price of ONLY $5 A GALLON!!!!!.

I will draw up a contract wherein you send me any receipts for gas between January 20 and January 31, and I will reimburse you whatever it is you had to pay up to the number of credits you purchase.

Remember this is a limited time offer, SO YOU NEED TO ACT NOW!!!

BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE!!! If you purchase at least 1000 gallon credits, I will throw in for no charge, a time share interest in the historic Brooklyn Bridge. You read that right, for each 1000 gallon credits you purchase, you will receive a 1% ownership stake in this world renowned landmark. BUT HURRY!!! These timeshare credits will go fast!

BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE!!! For the first five customers, we are offering for the bargain rate of $1000 an acre, your very own PIECE OF THE MOON!!! You heard that right. For a mere $1000 an acre, our real estate department will deed you a prime location upon the Moon. But this offer is limited to the first five customers.

Send me a private message NOW!!!! Operators are standing by.

We will see if I have any takers.

I am a sore loser. So what?

2009-01-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

While watching the Kentucky-Louisville game tonight I noticed someone wearing the t-shirt you see below. Pay particular attention to the typo.

I took the liberty of fixing it for him.

2009 Crystal Ball

2008-12-30T07:30:00.000-08:00

The Christmas tree has come down and I am wringing my hands about college basketball, so it must be time for my annual Nostradumbass predictions!!! Considering that last year I made predictions like the sun would bring havoc to Earth and that the UK basketball team would make the SEC championship game, the fact that I batted about .675 isn’t that bad. I have reached deep into my ass to pull these predictions. Enjoy.

1. GDP will continue to fall in the first quarter of 2009, will stabilize by the second quarter and rise during the third quarter. People like Hannity and Limbaugh will preach doom and gloom and claim that Obama’s policies have drove us into Depression 2.0. However, this fear mongering will lower people’s expectations so much that when we receive otherwise bad news, it won’t be as bad as people expected, thereby raising consumer confidence and saving the economy. Of course Hannity and Limbaugh will say that Bush was right all along and it was his policies that kept the economy afloat.

2. Craig Venter will create the first synthetic life form and it will be far more complex than people will have anticipated. Venter claims that within five years he will be able to create a multi-cellular organism.

3. By the end of 2009 troop levels in Iraq will match those at the end of 2008. Troop levels in Afghanistan by the end of 2009 will be 50% greater than those at the end of 2008.

4. Oil will briefly trade at $25 a barrel before stabilizing around $50 a barrel for most of 2009. However, this is going to be a very bad thing. Oil-producing countries have grown dependent upon high oil prices to prop up their economy and pacify their citizens with an ever increasing standard of living. If the last 250 years of Russian history has taught us anything, it is that when the villagers get restless, Mother Russia usually attacks its neighbors. Nothing brings people together like a common enemy. The clerics in Iran are going to have the same problem with their populace if oil prices stay low.

5. Apps, Apps and more Apps. We are going to see an explosion of break-through applications on the Apple App Store. Those kids in Silicon Valley whose parents were teaching them HTML at the age of 3 back in the Dot-Com Boom are now teenagers and they are going to get rich writing applications in their bedroom for the iPhone and iPod Touch. I give it less than six months before we have someone under the age of 18 make their first million dollars from an application they wrote in their bedroom instead of doing homework.

6. 2009 will be the year that at least one first world country bans incandescent light bulbs.

7. The coalescence of speech recognition, web search, GPS and personalized information being stored in the cloud, is going to bring about the first useful internet assistants. My dream of having Jane in my ear will begin to finally be realized and we will see the “birth” of such creatures this year.

8. Obama will institute a temporary moratorium on residential home foreclosures.

9. I hate to say it, by I do think we are going to see a major attack on the US that will force the Obama administration to make a choice in using Constitutional executive powers or those over reaches used by the Bush administration. While there will be some grey areas, in the end, I think the administration will do the right thing.

10. My last prediction was going to be the possibility of Israel attacking Iran unilaterally because of uranium enrichment, but I am going to end on a happier note and predict that my beloved Kentucky Wildcats will finish the season much better than people anticipate, with us in the Championship Game for the SEC Conference.

Yes, I am aware that the last one is just copy and pasted from last years predictions but really, the Cats are going to do it this year.

A Father's Heartache

2008-12-19T07:23:00.000-08:00

Last night Sophie was playing with an original 1977 Star Wars R2-D2 Astromech Droid (Thanks Dan!) and kept holding it up to me saying:

“Daddy! Robot!”

Which of course I had to respond by saying, “No, Sophie. That is a droid. Specifically a R2-D2 Astromech Droid.”

Then the conversation went:

“Robot.”
“No. Droid.”
“Robot”
“No, Sophie. A Droid.”
“Robot!”
“Sophie, it is a droid.”
“Robot!! Robot!!”
“A Droid.”
“Robot!!!”

Finally, Anna stepped in and solved the problem by waving her hand and stating, “Sophie, that is not the droid you are looking for.”

Who said the kids are lazy.

2008-11-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

Stuck in my head

2008-10-30T05:42:00.001-07:00

I have had this song stuck in my head all day. So I thought I would share and get it stuck in your head as well.

A Favor.

2008-10-28T06:48:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there have a cocktail dress that will fit a 6'4" man wearing a DD bra, that they will let me borrow?

A Little Help From Your Opponents

2008-10-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Let me offer a little help to Gov. Palin. The answer to the question is "Yes". No need to sigh. No need to hem and haw. You say "Yes".

Why is that so hard? And why the hell does John McCain sit there and not step in and say, "Yes, that is a terrorist act."

I wonder if she thinks Timothy McVeigh was a terrorist? Or was his beliefs just a little too close to those of the Alaska Independence Party's platform.

The Little Black Jungle Book

2008-10-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight at dinner an event occurred and it has my brain locked up trying to process. We are eating spaghetti and the Jungle Book is on in the background. This in itself is not unusual, because if you are a denizen of my household, then you have every syllable of Wallace and Gromit & The Jungle Book burned into your mind for all of eternity. Anyway, we are sitting around eating happily as a family when all of sudden my daughter starts having a conniption fit while trying to twist her neck in order to see the television. The reason for this sudden explosion of squirm is that "The Girl" starts singing "My Own Home" in the last scene of the movie. Before I go any further, let me let you watch this scene.

After being freed from her barbaric restraints, she immediately runs into the living room to finish watching this scene where "The Girl" uses her feminine charms upon the dope Mowgli. The disturbing part is the intensity in which Sophie was watching this scene. It was if she was already in training; batting her eyelashes and tilting her head in order to get boys to do her bidding.

The thing that kills me is that she has already learned this lesson and uses these techniques upon the dope that is her dad. At two years old, she has learned that she can tilt her head down and to the side, bat her eyelashes and smile and I will give her pretty much anything she wants.

I am doomed.

Outright Stealing

2008-10-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

I am going to blanetly rip these images off of Fark because they are funny. Sorry Drew, but you were supposed to buy me a beer at Younts' and since it is closed, this is how I will take my payment.
Wing Nut. It still cracks me up.

And last but not least, Lexington's very own JAMES BROWN!!!! I hope you have a good place to sleep tonight.

Sharpen Your Pitchforks and Make Some Torches.

2008-09-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

I have been traveling around the country, peeking into your windows at night and have come to the conclusion that each of you are sleeping too soundly. Apparently not everyone has the same combination of back pain and deep seeded paranoia that I have; so, with an impish grin on my face, I am taking it upon myself to force a little insomnia upon you.

While my hand-crafted tin-foil hat has many advantages (including a +5 to my wife thinking I am a dork), it is rather ineffective in shielding me from electoral college nightmares. Last night the newest individual state polling data was released; and with it, the nightmare that would be worse than having to sing karaoke with Cthulu, became a very real possibility.

Right now, if you give Obama and McCain whatever state they are leading in (we are talking the aggregate of the state polls) then the final electoral college count comes to 269 to 269.

A tie.

This really isn’t that far fetched a scenario. You don’t have to do a bunch hypothetical gymnastics to reach a 269 to 269 situation. Just a fairly conservative distribution of states to the candidate that is currently leading.

Soooooo, what happens. The simple answer (which you should have learned in elementary school civics) is that the House of Representatives would elect the President and the Senate would elect the Vice-President. On the House of Representative side, each state only gets one vote. So the delegations from each state would get together and a decide for whom they would cast their one vote. California would get one vote and Alaska would get one vote. The breakdown of congressional districts would make it appear that in the event of an electoral college tie, Obama would come out on top; but, I don’t think it would easy. For example, lets examine the situation of poor Nancy Boyda and Dennis Moore of Kansas. Kansas has four representatives, two Republicans and two Democrats. Can you imagine the situation Rep. Boyda and Rep. Moore would be in? Obviously being Democrats you would think they want to cast their vote for Obama; but, their state and most likely congressional districts would have just voted for McCain. In the end, while it will be tough, I think Obama would prevail.

On the Senate side it gets a little more complicated. Right now polls suggest that Democrats will control 55 seats come January. Also US Code Title 3 states that it will be the NEW congress inaugurated in January that would break ties. So no problem right? Biden would be elected as VP and we all open a bottle of beer in celebration. Not so fast. The electoral votes are delivered to Congress in December and Amendment 12 to the Constitution states that in the event of a tie in the electoral college Congress "shall choose immediately, by ballot”. The key word there is immediately. It doesn’t say January when the new Congress is in place; but immediately. Soooooo, the argument could be made (and would be) that US Title Code 3 is unconstitutional and that the existing Senate needs to elect the VP.

Currently the makeup of the Senate is 49 Republicans, 49 Democrats and 2 Independents. Both Independents tend to vote with the Democrats; BUT, one of them is Lieberman. That is right, the same Joe Lieberman that spoke at the Republican National Convention. If he cast his vote for Palin (which doesn’t seem far fetched) then we have a tie in the Senate. Guess who then casts the deciding vote.

Dick Cheney.

Made your blood run cold didn’t it?

For Your Consideration.

2008-09-23T17:53:00.000-07:00

I thought you might be interested in seeing some artwork that Sophie produced this evening. After she drew each one she promptly informed me what exactly what it was that I was looking at.

I will provide you with descriptions (just in case the illustrations are not quite clear).

DOG

EYES

PLANE

Dealer inquiries can be addressed to Sophie's college fund.

A Republican Soliloquy

2008-09-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

My apology to the Prince, I honestly mean no disrespect.

And yes, I am aware that I misquoted the second line; but Bill Shakespeare messed up and the misquote sounds better.

Return of the No Name Comic

2008-09-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

As before. You can click on the comic to see a bigger version.

Land Ho!

2008-09-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

I apologize fer takin' so long t' post a new blog, but as ye may be havin' read on Anna`s blog, we spent o'er wonderful tides in Kansas. I do be havin' many things that I be havin' about half written that I want t' talk about. More on th' election. Me take on Spore an' th' damn DRM attached. However, in th' meantime, ye be only goin' t' get this post. However, as an extra special treat, around lunch time, I will post a new webcomic.

Ye heard that correctly, ya lily livered swabbie, I be postin' a new webcomic!

Htrae Attacks!!

2008-09-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

For the past few days I have been at a loss to explain John McCain’s pick of Sarah Palin as his Vice President. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around the selection because it just didn’t make any sense. Then suddenly this morning it all became clear. Sometime during this long presidential campaign, Htrae, or as it more commonly referred to, Bizarro World, as started an invasion of Earth.

For those of you not familiar with Bizarro World, it is the world from which Bizarro Superman hails, and its population desires nothing more than to be the opposite of Earth. The Bizarro Code states, "Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!"

I am sure that many of you are asking why does Sarah Palin’s nomination prove that Earth is under assault from Htrae. Let me explain.

The Republican Party’s first President was Abraham Lincoln, a man that felt so strongly in the need to preserve the Union, that he waged a war against its citizens to fight the belief that individual states had a right to secede from the Union. Now the Republican Party has nominated a woman for Vice President that belonged to the Alaskan Independence Party, whose platform is based solely on the belief that Alaska has the right to secede from the Union.

John McCain has based his entire campaign upon the argument that he alone has the ability to make the thoughtful and wise judgment calls that a President is routinely forced to make. Yet his first presidential decision was to choose a woman that he had only met once and was never fully vetted. He went with his gut feeling.

The party that likes to bill itself as the party of “family values” has nominated a woman that is going to leave her five month old son with special needs at home so she can participate in a grueling presidential campaign. Her 17 year old daughter has become an unwed teen mother. While I personally don’t think either of these are any of our business, it certainly is bizarre that she is the nominee for the party of “family values”.

The Republicans like to talk about how the Democrats are weak on national security and foreign affairs, yet they nominate a woman that has stated that she really hasn’t given the Iraq situation much thought and that the only argument for her having foreign policy experience is the fact that Russia is close to Alaska. Apparently we are supposed to believe that experience works by osmosis.

In the comics the reader is never truly worried because Superman always shows up to save the day; but, unfortunately here in the real world we don’t have the Son of Krypton. The last line of defense for Earth to hold off the current invasion of Bizarro World is the boy of a single mother with big ears and strange name. Let us all hope that Lex McCain doesn’t get his hands on Kal-El Obama’s version of kryptonite.

Wow. Talk about Inexperience

2008-08-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

Oh I don't know. Being President of the Senate and casting the deciding vote on tied legislation has been pretty important. But maybe she hasn't actually ever read the Constitution. I should send her a copy.

Let us not forget

2008-08-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

As I sit and watch the 2008 DNC convention, it is easy to forget the bigger picture. All of this talk of the Hillary PUMAs is merely a distraction. I want to remind you of where we are and what we are fighting for, but my prose lacks the eloquence. But I know someone that spoke the truth and I want to share it with you today because it is just as valid now as it was then. Just replace "John Kerry" with "Barrack Obama" and it still resonates today.

Any takers?

2008-08-26T13:19:00.000-07:00

Chad Reese now owes me a beer, because I bet him on Friday night that Biden would be picked as Obama's VP. I am now going to offer up another wager.

I bet Obama wins the electoral college with over 300 electoral votes.

Any takers?

This is sad.

2008-08-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one waiting anxiously by the phone like a teenage girl thinking that the cute older boy is going to call?

Wooohooooo!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

I have just been accepted into the Apple iPhone Developer Program.

Here is the plan.

Step 1. Get accepted into the iPhone Developer Program.
Step 3. Profit.

Brilliant.

Moss on a Rolling Stone

2008-08-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh, the annual Beloit College Mindset List. This annual list was originally designed to be given to college professors as a gentle reminder that common cultural references may not be known by their incoming freshmen. It never fails to make me feel old, but this year it seems especially bad. Here are some examples of things true for individuals entering college as freshman this year.

Students entering college for the first time this fall were generally born in 1990.
GPS satellite navigation systems have always been available.

Electronic filing of tax returns has always been an option.

Coke and Pepsi have always used recycled plastic bottles.

Students have always been "Rocking the Vote.”

IBM has never made typewriters.

There has always been Pearl Jam.

The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno.

They have never known life without Seinfeld references from a show about “nothing.”

Crazy, huh. Ok, one more shock. Here is a picture of Anna and me that we just received from Rachael. I don't know if it makes you feel old, but it sure does me. Although Anna is still hot.

The Unholy Pit of Doom

2008-08-07T18:21:00.001-07:00

Let me let you in on one of those little secrets about marriage. There are some things that you just have to accept about your spouse, for better or worse. Even if it grates against your last nerve and is antithetical to everything you hold dear.

My side of the bed is that for my lovely bride. H.P. Lovecraft could have written a story about the unholy aura that it emanates. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. When new sheets need to be placed on the bed, I am the one that has to gingerly navigate its depths.

I remember a few months back that Anna did a meme (she insists it wasn't, but I don't believe her) where you list the books on your bedside table. So, I thought I would guide you through the forbidden realm that is my side of the bed. Please remember to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

The Complete Joy of Homebrewing Third Edition (Harperresource Book)

The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World 2008 (Unofficial Guides)

Bachman Books: 4 Early Novels by Richard Bachman, Author of The Regulators

The Human Story: Our History, from the Stone Age to Today

Number of the Beast

Coup d'État: A Practical Handbook

The Elfish Gene: Dungeons, Dragons and Growing Up Strange

This hasn't been released yet, but Anna brought me a copy from the library early. She is so nice.

How the Irish Saved Civilization (Hinges of History)

Bowling Alone : The Collapse and Revival of American Community

Job: A Comedy of Justice

Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West (Harper Fiction)

Democracy Matters: Winning the Fight Against Imperialism

Everyone should read this book.

The Trouble With Physics: The Rise of String Theory, The Fall of a Science, and What Comes Next

Telempath

Foucault's Pendulum

Might be the best book I have ever read. Seriously.

Stranger in a Strange Land

Fahrenheit 451: A Novel

Great Ghost Stories

Steve Jackson's GURPS, Basic Set Third Edition (Generic Universal RolePlaying System)

Suppressed Inventions

The Best of H. P. Lovecraft: Bloodcurdling Tales of Horror and the Macabre

The Fair Tax Book: Saying Goodbye to the Income Tax and the IRSimportant;" border="0" height="1" width="1" />

Piece of rubbish dressed up as a good idea. Be afraid of friends and family that own this book.

Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Treasury

The Affluent Society

The Fellowship of the Ring: Being the First Part of The Lord of the Rings (The Lord of the RIngs)

The Catcher in the Rye

Lexington: Queen of the Bluegrass (KY) (Making of America)

Death Match to the Extreme!!!!

2008-07-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I received my long awaited iPhone. This phone is an amazing piece of technology and eclipses many of my already high expectations; however, there are a couple of things I am confused about. Many in the press call the iPhone by another name, the Jesus Phone. After having the phone for over 24 hours, I am not sure if the phone is supposed to be the actual second coming of Christ or if the phone is merely the messiah for all cell phones in the world brought to Earth to forgive their sins.

No matter. You aren't here to read a blog post about some absurd theological point, or blasphemy, depending on your perspective. No, you are here for my review of the iPhone. Well, since over the last two weeks the internet has been transformed into nothing but iPhone reviews, I thought it was important that I offer something a little different. So, faithful readers, I present...

THE iPHONE v GIANT CAN OF BEER MATCH-UP.

On first blush, you might ask yourself, what the hell does the iPhone have to do with a giant can of beer. Well, not much, but that isn't going to stop me from comparing the two.

Life Enhancement.

The iPhone allows me to surf the web with an almost desktop like experience. In addition, the New York Times application gives me an updated and in-depth analysis of current events. However, the giant can of beer helps blur reality and makes me care a little bit less about the sorry state of the world. The iPhone does come with a monthly charge that hits the 'ol pocketbook pretty hard, but the giant can of beer might cause me to puke my guts out and wake up with a hangover.

Advantage: TIE

Battery Life.

The iPhone's battery life is top of its class for 3G phones, but because it is so damn cool, you find yourself using battery hungry applications all the time which leads to a depleted battery. in addition, Steve Jobs in his infinite wisdom, has decreed that there will not be a user replaceable battery in the iPhone. Of course this is an excellent design choice, because it will mean that our iPhones will die earlier and allow us to get new iPhones. Brilliant. Thank you Steve Jobs.

The giant can of beer however has the advantage of being able to actually generate electricity. Maybe not a lot, but more than the iPhone. Here is an article on the "Beer Battery"

Advantage: Giant Can of Beer

Sound Quality.

The very first call I made on the iPhone sounded like the other end was in a bucket, but since then, I have been very impressed with audio quality. The giant can of beer might be able to make phone calls if we have two and a bit of string; but I am doubtful as to the sound quality.

Advantage: iPhone

In the end, after a sophisticated investigation and rigorous scientific analysis, the age old battle of the iPhone v Giant Can of Beer ends in a tie. But really, in the end, would you have wanted it any other way?

Roller Coaster of Doom

2008-07-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

I know that I have been very bad about posting to my blog and truthfully, I don’t have any really good excuses. You, my dutiful readers, deserve a nice long post that is humorous, insightful and eloquent. My weekend being a single parent to both Sophie and Riley would fit the bill. Or maybe a post about how I have finally broken down and ordered an iPhone.

I could write about these things, but “No Soup For You!” Instead you are going to receive a boring post that borders on being scary about the dangers of inflation and recession and what you should be doing to protect yourself.

For a while now I have been growing increasingly concerned about the state of our economy. I don’t know if you remember, but back when gas was about $2.85 a gallon I warned you that it would hit $4.00 by Labor Day of 2008. Well it did it a couple of months earlier than I thought. I am still worried about gas prices (actually I am very worried), but there is very little we or anyone can do about it (except maybe Bush, who could unequivocally tell Israel to NOT attack Iran. See this post on why that would be VERY good); but, I have another concern that I am just as worried about, if not more worried.

Inflation has been playing peek-a-boo with the Fed for over a year and half now; but, the economy has been in such a sorry shape that they haven’t dared raise interest rates to combat it. And the truth is, that was the right decision because while inflation has been growing, it hasn’t been to point where anyone needed to hit the panic button. It is troublesome though. When you have recession and inflation at the same time, it creates a whole shit-storm of a mess that is very difficult to get out of. Those of us in our late twenties to early thirties won’t really remember it, but ask your parent’s about how fun the stagflation (recession mixed with inflation) of the ‘70s was. Back then if you had great credit, you would be lucky to get a home mortgage with a 14% interest rate. Think about that for a moment. Great credit with a 20% down payment on a home got you an interest rate of 14%. That was life in the 70s.

However, our parents had one thing going for them during this time that we don’t have now. Rising wages. While inflation grew and the economy was in a recession and oil prices went through the roof, they also had a comparable rise is wages. So while it sucked really badly, most people could get by. Today, with the global marketplace, wages have hit a plateau and no economist expects wages to rise anytime soon. Even if inflation gets out of control.

That brings me to today and why I have written this post. All last week, Bernanke kept repeating the mantra that he was not going to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. He kept insisting that they were solid and we had nothing to worry about. Sunday night that all changed. Right before the markets opened in Asia for trading on Monday, Bernanke announced that he was going to seek authorization from Congress to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Why is this important? Well currently these two companies own the debt to HALF of all mortgages in this country. They are the ONLY two companies that are still buying mortgages off of banks. If they go under, there will be no one left to buy mortgages from banks. If there is no one buying mortgages from banks, then banks won’t be making mortgages, if there is no banks making mortgages, there will be no one buying homes, if there is no one buying homes, there will be a large surplus on the market, if there is a large surplus on the market, prices will drop, etc. etc. etc. I could keep going but it only gets worse from there.

Here is the problem, the bail out isn’t going to solve the problem at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It is only going to a band-aid and effectively kicks the football down the road a couple of years. This bail out is also why I am now hitting the panic button. As I am sure you are aware, the dollar is the toilet right now and when the Fed bails out these two companies, it is going to destroy the Federal Reserves balance sheet, which is going to make the dollar even more vulnerable than it already is, which in turn leads to greater inflationary pressure. In fact the situation from an inflationary standpoint is far more precarious than it was in the ‘70s because our national debt is far larger than it was in the ‘70s and the debt we do have is no longer American owned. Historically, Republicans would make the argument that our national debt was no big deal because the debt was owned by Americans. Basically, we were borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. This is no longer the case. Most of our debt is now owned by foreign governments.

To make a long story short (too late), we are primed to have inflation grow faster than anytime since before WWII, no increase in wages, a deep recession based on the price of gasoline and middle class families in a position where they will be able to buy far less for much more. I hope I am wrong, but I don’t think I am.

So, what can you do? I have a real bad habit of not practicing what I preach but I am going to make a very concerted effort to prepare. If nothing happens, then great, I am far better off financially than I was before and I go about my merry way. But if I am right, well…. I had better get off my ass and prepare like I am advising you to do.

1. Emergency Fund. First and foremost, you need to have some money set aside for emergencies. You should have three months worth of your expenses set aside for emergencies, but if you don’t have this set aside, it can seem like an impossible task. At minimum, every one of you should have at least $1,000.00 put aside for emergency expenses. If your tires blow out on your car and you have to get to work, the last thing you want is to have to go deeper in debt.

2. Organize your debt. Make sure that all the debt you have (mortgage payment, credit cards, student loans, car payments, etc.) are manageable. When I say manageable, I am talking about making sure that your monthly payments are such that you can handle them without going hungry. Make sure those monthly payments stay at reasonable level, even if interest rates go through the roof. This is important. You may be thinking, yeah, I can handle the minimum payments easily if things get rough; but, you need to remember that if inflations gets really bad, then interest rates are going to go up, which means those payment on all variable rates are also going to go up.

3. Retirement. Continue to put money into your retirement account. Your retirement account is your long term bet. You are not supposed to be thinking about it in short term goals, so it is important to continue to fund it even when things are bad.

4. Shop Smart. Goods are never going to be cheaper than they are today. So, when you go shopping, if you see something on sale that you use regularly, buy a lot of it. This goes for almost everything. If you buy 10 things of shampoo when it is on sale, you are going to be spending far less money in the long run. Not only will you have gotten it at a better price, but you will already have it in stock so that is money that you won’t have to spend later when you might not have it. This is doubly important when it comes to food. Food costs are the one area that I think are going to rise the most and it is the one area that you can’t do without.

5. Decrease your Energy Use. Not only is it better for the environment, but it will save you money and prepare you for possibly drastically increased costs in the future. Drive less, get a smaller car, use less air conditioning, use the heater less, etc. etc. etc.

Last but not least, if you feel that you are already adequately prepared for the above scenario and want to figure out how to profit from it, remember, tobacco, alcohol and gambling stocks all do very well when the economy crashes and burns. Sad but true.

Let me stall for a little more time

2008-07-05T14:22:00.000-07:00

Almost a month ago I was tagged to this meme by Patrick and then I was later tagged to do it by Fish, so I figured it was time.

Ok, I am supposed to write my memoir in six words. I have liked this idea since I first heard about it on NPR (if you are interested here is the link to the NPR report on the idea).

Anyway, here is mine.

"Still waiting on my flying car."

The Grey Lady, are you o.k.?

2008-06-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

I promise an actual real post is coming but in the mean time take a look at this.

It is an article from the New York Times. Within the article there is a picture and the caption refers to the milk jugs as "the new fangled jugs".

New fangled? Really? In the New York Times?

I thought "new fangled" was one of those strange southern expressions that we use to confuse yankees. Fangled is not in the dictionary. I checked.

The Onion Predicts The Future

2008-06-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

The recording industry has lost its marbles. This is evident when when actual real news reads almost exactly like an article out of The Onion.

The RIAA is pushing legislation forward that would force Radio Stations to pay royalties for broadcasting copyrighted Music. Here is a link to WIRED article on the topic.

The RIAA is claiming that AM and FM broadcasting is a form of piracy and wants the industry to pay 7 billion in royalties each year. Here is where the absurdity comes in. Back in 2002 The Onion wrote an article about the RIAA suing radio stations for piracy because they were broadcasting copyrighted music. Both articles read almost exactly the same. The biggest difference is that the actual "news" article from WIRED states that the RIAA wants 7 billion dollars. In the Onion article they sue for 7.1 billion dollars.

I just commented to Anna last night that the issue of copyright and piracy is becoming completely absurd; but, I had no idea that has become literal.

Let me offer a little advice to anyone reading. If your actions ever begin to resemble an Onion article, it is time to re-evaluate your tactic.

PULL THE STRINGS!!!

2008-06-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

You may have heard me mention the new Wil Wright game coming out titled Spore. I have wrote about it here on my blog and if you know me in real life, well then I know you have heard of it. Two days ago, they released as a free preview, the Creature Creator part of the game.

I am hooked.

Anna and I both have created more creatures than I really want to admit, but I thought I would give you a sampling as to what is possible. These are my Greek mythology creatures.

The fact that I can make each of these in just a few minutes on a home computer, complete with animation, is nothing short of astounding.

Hack & Slash Cooking

2008-06-18T06:27:00.000-07:00

I am stealing this from Wired.

Cookbooks are a lot like Dungeons & Dragons and other role-playing games. They contain seemingly rigid rules that, in practice, require a certain amount of adaptation for your own tastes.

So how come cooking gets its own TV channel and role-playing games don't even get a show on G4? Maybe the population at large doesn't want to pretend to be a half-elf. Maybe RPGs take more imagination than most people have.

However, it just might have something to do with the role-playing community. If geeks talked about cookbooks the way they talk about RPG books, the results would not be pretty:

Posted: 12:15 a.m. by LordOrcus: I'm so mad that there's a new edition of The Better Joy Cookbook out. Thanks for making my old copy obsolete, you greedy hacks! For five years now, my friends have been coming over for my eggplant Parmesan, and now I'm never going to be able serve it again unless I shell out 35 bucks for the latest version.

Posted: 12:42 a.m. by Kathraxis: Hey, I have a question! When you preheat the oven, can you start it before you measure out the ingredients, or do you have to do it afterward? Please answer quickly, my friends and I have been arguing about it for four hours and we're getting pretty hungry.

Posted: 12:48 a.m. by Goku1440: I found an awesome loophole! On page 242 it says "Add oregano to taste!" It doesn't say how much oregano, or what sort of taste! You can add as much oregano as you want! I'm going to make my friends eat infinite oregano and they'll have to do it because the recipe says so!

Posted: 1:02 a.m. by barrybarrybarry: I can't believe I spent 35 dollars on a cookbook that doesn't have a recipe for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When I buy a cookbook, I expect it to tell me how to cook. And don't tell me to just make a PBJ myself, I'm not some sort of hippy artist pretentious "freeform cook."

Posted: 1:08 a.m. by jvmkanelly: Where are the recipes for chatting with friends while cooking? Where are the recipes for conversation over the meal? When I throw a dinner party, I want it to be a PARTY. I guess the idiots who use the Better Joy Cookbook just cook and eat in stony silence, never saying a word or even looking each other in the eye.

Posted: 1:23 a.m. by LordOrcus: Hey, guess what? They're coming out with The Better Joy Book of Hors D'oeuvres. It just goes to show that the publishers are a bunch of corporate greedheads who care more about money than they do about cooking. Is it too much to ask for a single cookbook that contains all possible recipes?

Posted: 1:48 a.m. by specsheet: Hey, everyone. I can tell just by reading the recipe that if you prepare eggs benedict as written, the sauce will separate. My mom always said the other kids made fun of me because they were jealous of my intelligence, so I must be right. Everyone who's saying that they followed the recipe and it came out perfect is either lying, or loves greasy separated hollandaise sauce.

Posted: 1:52 a.m. by IAmEd: As I have pointed out MANY TIMES, several of these recipes contain raisins, and I, like most people, am ALLERGIC to raisins! And before you tell me to substitute dried cranberries, I will reiterate that I am discussing the recipes AS WRITTEN. I do not appreciate your ATTACKING ME with helpful suggestions!

Posted: 2:12 a.m. by Herodotus: I just have to laugh at the recipe for Beef Wellington. In Wellington's day, ovens didn't have temperature settings! And pate de foie gras certainly didn't come in cans. It's like the authors didn't even care about replicating authentic early 19th century cooking techniques!

Posted: 2:17 a.m. by LordOrcus: I have read the new Better Joy Cookbook and I am devastated to my very core. Their macaroni and cheese recipe, the very macaroni and cheese I've been making since I was in college, has been ravaged and disfigured and left bleeding on the page. Where once it contained only cheddar cheese, now the recipe calls for a mix of cheddar and Colby. It may contain macaroni, and it may contain cheese, but it is not macaroni and cheese. This is a slap in the face and a knife in the gut. You have lost me, Better Joy Cookbook. I would bid you goodbye, but I wish you nothing but the pain and rage you have delivered unto me

What a weekend!

2008-06-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

While busy, this weekend has been a blast.

Riley and Sophie got to play with the kittens down by Mr. Hughes' house.

We spent all day Saturday working in the yard clearing weeds and brush. We filled two Lenny(s) and still had brush lying around.

Sunday morning we had breakfast with Granny.

After breakfast we headed to Pa's for a little horseback riding. But first you have to saddle your horse.

Then you to achieve that riding look.

Of course Sophie is going to get mad if she is left out.

And off they go.

And Sophie needed another turn.

And what kind of boys would they have been if they hadn't disappeared only to be found playing in the creek.

Sophie heard the call of the creek as well.

To my amazement, nobody had ever taught them how to catch crawdads. So I had to oblige.

WTF? An Internet Meme?

2008-05-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

It has been quite some time since I have updated my blog; but, I swear that I have had good intentions. There was a post about the Kentucky Derby bouncing around in my head. Eventually I will get around to writing about how buying a used car is actually far better for the environment than buying a new hybrid, etc. etc. etc.

To make a long story short, none of these ideas actually became blog posts and here I sit with nothing new on my blog. Steph has come to the rescue however and tagged me do to a meme. What better way to fill space on my blog than with a good old fashioned internet meme?

Five Weird Things About Me.

Are you excited?

1. I hate pickles. Obviously I don’t find this weird because pickles are horrible; but, apparently others find this odd. My hatred for pickles is not a mere dislike but a red hot loathing that burns with the heat of the sun deep in my soul. For years I have been trying to proselytize to the masses that pickles are evil and sent by the Devil to corrupt your very soul. I remember a particular conversation with my nephew Trenton when he was about three years old. I informed him, like a good uncle should, that pickles were evil and sent by the Devil. He then told me, “No. They are good.” I responded to this toddler that of course you think they taste good, do you think the Devil would send to Earth something that tasted bad? My mother-in-law continuously likes to offer me pickles in some sick attempt at humor. It isn’t funny.

2. I am slightly obsessed with the foundations of civilization and humanity’s collective base of knowledge. It is cliché to say that we are standing on the shoulders of giants. And that is true, but it would be more accurate to state that we are standing on the shoulders of giants that are standing on the shoulders of giants that are standing on the shoulders of giants, and on and on and on and on. In fact, we are standing so high that it is almost impossible to see the ground. Here is the basis of my obsession. We have advanced to such a complex degree that we have collectively “lost” the foundations of our knowledge. If our society ever broke down and the support structure of our civilization collapsed, how well do you think we would do in starting over and rebuilding civilization? How many of you understand how refrigeration works? That is pretty important for modern food preservation. Do you understand the principals of how sounds waves are converted to electrical signals and vice verse? The most basic principal in long distance communication. And these are just technologies we have grown dependent upon in the last 150 years or so. Anybody reading this know how to smelt ore into metal? What about harvesting seeds from crops so that you can grow them next season? I could on forever about this topic. Let me just end by saying that I have been dwelling on this for about 12 years and have about 8 gigabytes of data saved on the computer and various CDs, just in case.

3. On three separate occasions in my life I have had someone claim that I am “special” because I was born in the month of October. The first instance was when I was about 8 years old and living in Hazard, Kentucky. I remember being at the Black Gold Festival and an old man (I would guess about 70) came up to me on the street and asked what month I was born. I said October and then he simply bent down, looked me square in the eye and said “People born in October are special.” He then turned around and disappeared into the crowd. The last time it happened was when I volunteered at the Scott County Public Library in middle school. I was working the desk and this elderly lady came up and said, “You were born in October weren’t you?” I said that I was and then she said exactly the same thing “People born in October are special.” Being older, I responded something like “Yeah, yeah, just like people born in November are special and people born in December are special.” She then bent over the desk and looked me in the eye and said, “No, people born in October are special.” She then proceeded to turn around and walked out of the library. I never saw her again.

4. I am a wonderful puker when I am drunk. For some reason I can puke my guts out and can be completely fine afterwards. When I was younger and more “wild”, I could be completely drunk to the point of sickness, feel like I am about the puke, ask the person I am conversing with to excuse me for a moment, go puke in a polite area, come back to finish my conversation and finish my drink.

5. My Google-Fu is strong. My affinity with Google borders on unnatural. I am not exactly sure what it is but search terms just flow through my fingertips into the ubiquitous internet portal. When someone else is using Google to find a specific piece of information, their search is like fingernails on a chalkboard; because, well, they just do it wrong. Let me give you an example so you can test your own Google-Fu. About a month ago, Riley came home with prize that he won at school. He thought it would be a wonderful product to sell at the Bluegrass Festival and my grandmother agreed. So, I was tasked with finding a place online to buy them wholesale. In case you don’t know there is a lot of plastic crap made in China and finding this one particular item is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Well one night after five or six beers I decided it was time to find this item. The only marking on the entire product is “Made in China” imprinted upon the handle. It took me about 10 minutes of searching and for me that is LONG time. I am not going to tell you the actual search terms that eventually resulted in the product, so you can test yourself if you so desire. Here is a picture. It is about 10 inches long and is made up of three different parts. The circular part that fits down the spiral and a handle used to launch the circular part. There are four LEDs powered by batteries. Good luck.

Do you hear the people sing?

2008-05-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to share with you this amazing video. It is quite inspirational and shows what can be accomplished when individuals work together. The masses, working together, provide more hope for the future than a solitary indvidual ever can.

I better not look in the mirror.

2008-05-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today started off so well and has since gone to hell. I woke up this morning knowing that Obama has more than likely (still got my fingers crossed) locked up the nomination. This long drawn out process of a primary is coming to an end.

BUT, then I find out that Spore, that game I wrote about here, is going to include the most devious DRM scheme ever devised. I can not express to you how excited I have been for this game. Saying I have been as giddy as a teenage boy who finds that he can turn invisible AND finds himself in the Victoria Secret dressing room, would not properly described my level of excitement.

Shamus Young, who I have liked to before, has written about this far better than I ever could and I urge you to read his take on it yourself.

I am not sure what it says about me, that finding out a game is coming out with a new DRM scheme can ruin my day. I probably don't want to know. I am still thrilled for Obama, but Spore.... they are ruining my precious Spore.

Not my precious. My precious. It's mine, all mine and we wants it. Precious.

Whew!!!

2008-05-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

Did anyone else wake up this morning feeling a lot more comfortable?

Toddler Life

2008-05-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

I am going to write a post about the Kentucky Derby, but in the mean time, enjoy Sophie's latest music video.

Work Sucks. Rock Out.

2008-04-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

This Guy Is My Hero.

2008-04-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A Pirates Life for Me!

2008-04-28T07:32:00.000-07:00

Just sit right back & you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful gyp
That started with a dumb idea based on the fear of rip
The companies were mighty greedy, the consumers naïve and poor
So the industry set in motion that day, so music would play for sure
So music would play for sure

The computers started crashing, the iPods all were tossed
If not for the resourcefulness of faithful hackers
The consumers would have lost
The consumers would have lost

Now the music’s run a-ground because the companies were so vile
With Microsoft,
The Sony, too
The RIAA and their lawyers
The music stars
The Apple and admen

Here ‘cause of Company’s Guile!

It would hilarious if it also weren’t so damn infuriating. I am not sure how many of you have heard the news (or care for that matter) but Microsoft has decided to finally kill their “Play for Sure” system of digital rights management or DRM for short. In order for you to understand how ridiculous the entire musical industry has become, allow me to give you a brief history lesson.

In the beginning, Apple created the iPod and it was good. However, the iPod was tied to iTunes, which in turn also sold music through the iTunes Music Store. This was very convenient for people that owned iPods. There was much rejoicing. But the iPod was not the only music player on the market and there was no standard DRM that would work for every music player. So, Microsoft strolls onto the stage and announces “Plays For Sure”, which would be a new DRM scheme that would work for every music player (except the iPod, but the industry already thought Apple had gotten too uppity anyway). There was much rejoicing.

So the corporations like Sony, San Disk, etc., all started dutifully manufacturing music players that would work with Plays For Sure. Music companies started selling their music using the Plays For Sure DRM scheme. All was going according to plan until Microsoft decided that they wanted to get into the music player business. So they bring out the Zune. Now you would assume that Microsoft would make the Zune play music that utilizes Plays For Sure. The problem is your assumption would be wrong.

Nope, Microsoft doesn’t include support for their own Plays For Sure on their music player. You may be asking yourself, “Why wouldn’t they want Plays For Sure to work on the Zune?” Well the answer is, Plays For Sure sucked. It crashed peoples computers, customers had a difficult time authorizing new equipment to play songs that had previously purchased, etc. So, they dropped support for Plays For Sure on the Zune.

How Plays For Sure would work is that when you purchased a song online, that song would be tagged with an authenticating code and that code would be tied to your account. So, when you bought a new computer or a new music player, you would transfer your music to that device and that device would connect to the mothership and say, yup, John Doe owns that song, so play the music.

Skip ahead a few years to last week, Microsoft has announced that the servers that run the Plays For Sure authenticating thing-a-majig are going to be taken offline after August 31, 2008. So if you bought and legally paid for music that incorporates Plays For Sure, it will not work on any new device after August 31, 2008. Sure, you will be able to listen to your music on your old machine, but you will never ever be able to transfer it. Hope you really like that computer, because if you have Plays For Sure music on it, Microsoft says you are going to have to hold on to it for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! Hahahahahahah!!!!

End of lesson.

What I find so hilarious is the fact the music industry has forced this DRM crap down our throats because of their fear of pirates. The theory is that if customers have digital music files without DRM, they MIGHT lose money if someone MIGHT give that file to someone that MIGHT have otherwise paid for it. They claim that this would be theft and I guess technically they would be right. So DRM is necessary to fight those damn pirates. The music industry would have lost money if all three “MIGHT” conditions came true.

The crazy part is that they don’t view it as theft by depriving the poor consumer that paid good money for a song if they MIGHT want to by a new computer or music player at any point before they die. I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that the probability that a person might buy a new computer or mp3 player after August 31, seems a little more likely than probability of all three conditions in the preceding paragraph coming true.

In fact, I would go so far as saying that by turning those servers off, they are committing… PIRACY. Theft is defined as the “wrongful taking of property with intent to permanently deprive the owner of possession” and piracy is defined as “an act resembling theft”. Sounds to me like that is exactly what they are doing.

The whole anti-piracy measures that are becoming more and more prevalent are just getting out of hand. They don’t work, they make it harder for people to be honest and they cost the industry money. It is just stupid. It is easier and safer for a consumer to just steal their music. If you stole it, you know it is going to work. I am not advocating the illegal downloading of music (I don’t do it) but the industry has created a gigantic mess of a situation. Shamus Young has written a wonderful post on the insanity of DRM schemes when it comes to video games. He is a wonderful writer and highly recommend you read his thoughts.

By the Power of Rationalization!

2008-04-25T06:52:00.000-07:00

In the comment section of my last post on the Ecology of the Nocturnus Clintonius, Steph while not directly accusing me of being sexist, implied that the posting of the unflattering picture of Clinton might be an act of sexism. I am very aware that writing a blog post on the topic means I “doth protest too much”; but, I also don’t want to dismiss it out of hand.

The fact that I am a father of a daughter that also happens to be a super-toddler possessing unparalleled levels of intelligence, beauty, wisdom, courage, grace, strength, generosity and leadership, makes me particularly interested in the presence of sexism in the world. Almost without fail, if someone begins a statement with “I am not a sexist, but…” or “I am not a racist, but…”, you can comfortably assume that whatever characteristic they are denying, they most certainly possess. Whatever –ist you are denying is probably present, but deep seeded and you have deluded yourself that you don’t have it. Which in many ways, is worse than if you wore it proudly on your sleeve.

The picture in question I saw on the dailykos a few days earlier and when I was writing the stat sheet for the undead Clinton, it popped into my mind. My conscious mind simply thought it was the best picture to represent Clinton as some form of undead creature. I didn’t (again in my conscious mind) post it simply because it showed her in an unflattering light but because it fit the post I was writing.

Now the bigger question is, “why did I think it best demonstrated her as an undead creature?” Is it because I subconsciously equate un-beauty with evil in women? Maybe. But, I have forwarded many a picture of George Bush’s facial expressions as compared to a monkey.

The thing is, I also believe that being overly cautious not to offend is a form of sexism. By constantly monitoring your comments, you are keeping in mind issues that should in theory not be present. By not posting an unflattering picture of a woman, that you would not hesitate to post if it was a man, you are being sexist.

I don’t know. I haven’t done any good in explaining myself; however, I really don’t think I had malicious intentions (other than the normal malicious intentions towards Clinton that have nothing to do with her being a woman). So I don’t think I am going to remove the picture. Yeah, it could just be me rationalizing; but, I have always said that rationalization is humanity’s greatest skill.

The Ecology of the Nocturnus Clintonius

2008-04-23T06:42:00.000-07:00

Well I think we can conclude beyond any shadow of a doubt that Sen. Hillary Clinton is a member of the undead. While on the surface this unholy abomination may seem unbeatable, do not despair. VanCornett is here to provide you with the ecology of the Nocturnus Clintonius.

(yeah, yeah, I know that 3.5 is better but I am old school and know 2nd edition better, so that is what you are getting)

Nocturnus Clintonius

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Any/Primary Battleground
FREQUENCY: Very Rare
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any
DIET: Nil
INTELLIGENCE: Intelligent
TREASURE: A
ALIGNMENT: Neutral Evil
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 25
MOVEMENT: 12
HIT DICE: 15+
THAC0: 16 base
NO. OF ATTACKS: 3
DAMAGE/ATTACK: By weapon
SPECIAL ATTACKS: See Below
SPECIAL DEFENSES: +1 weapon to hit
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 1% per hit die
SIZE: M
MORALE: Fanatic (17-18)
XP VALUE: 10,000 +1,000 per level

Unlike most undead creatures, the Nocturnus Clintonius retains all of the memories, personality, and abilities that it possessed in life — but it has the benefit of its unholy existence to hone its skills and inevitably becomes very powerful. Like other powerful forms of the undead, the Nocturnus Clintonius has many un-natural powers, including the ability to summon minions willing to go forth and smear the reputations of honest individuals. In addition, the Nocturnus Clintonius has the ability to create a reality distortion field by its voice, which said field has the ability to sap the hope and optomisim of mortals. The Nocturnus Clintonius has the ability to control the actions of all media pundits when said creatures are discussing political goals of the Nocturnus Clintonius.

The Nocturnus Clintonius can only be hit by +2 or better magical weapons. In addition to its natural magic resistance, the Nocturnus Clintonius is immune to all mind affecting spells, death spells, and wizard and clerical spells below 3rd level. Because of its unique connection with the Dirty Political Tricks plane, all negative attacks inflict 5d10 points of damage to the creature attacking if it gets past the Nocturnus Clintonius’ magic resistance. It also casts spells as it did before its transformation, but, due to its dark nature and years of political mudslinging, does not require to use actual truth in its attacks. The Nocturnus Clintonius is considered a special for purposes of turning.

The best method of attacking the Nocturnus Clintonius is to maintain hope and determination while facing the creature. Heroes pure of heart and wielding the truth will fair far better than individuals that resort to personal attacks (due to the Nocturnus Clintonius’s connection with the Dirty Political Tricks plane). If 6d100 mortals following a leader possessing the non-weapon proficiency of “Hope Monger” face the Nocturnus Clintonius, they can overcome its natural magical resistance on a +8 Will Save.

In conclusion, the Nocturnus Clintonius is far more dangerous and scary when you despair and give up hope. Its Armor Class is very weak once you get through its natural defenses. Winning only the two states of Indiana and North Carolina should finally drive a stake through the heart of this unholy amalgamation of the human body and energy from the Dirty Political Tricks plane.

Don’t let the Nocturnus Clintonius boil the hope out of you.

WIng and a Prayer

2008-04-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

Here is hoping that the Democratic primary finally comes to a conclusion tonight.

Go Obama! I hope you pull off an upset tonight.

Hey Neilson!

2008-04-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

Last night, Riley's cousin Paul spent the night so we could all play D&D. This morning they decided to make a television show. The result is what happens when you combine computers, the ability to self-produce and young boys. It is no Battlestar Galactica but it has its moments.

If the video stutters, I recommend hitting the pause button and letting it pre-load before trying to watch it.

Oh yeah. I didn't know what they titled the show until after they were done. By then it was too late and how exactly do you explain that to a 10 year old.

Enjoy.

Quack, Quack, Quack.

2008-04-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

Stephanie has written an interesting post about the word “hippie” and asks people what the word means to them. I began writing a comment but it started to run long, so you are getting a post from me on the topic.

The ubiquitous Merriam-Webster defines “hippie” as “a usually young person who rejects the mores of established society (as by dressing unconventionally or favoring communal living) and advocates a nonviolent ethic; broadly : a long-haired unconventionally dressed young person.”

This definition is not bad, but I find it lacking. The problem I have is that the word has evolved quite substantially since the last time ‘ol Merriam-Webster have updated their definition. Using their more broad definition you could include members of the Goth community in the definition of hippie. Hell for that matter you could include Ted Nugent, as his hair is long and skin tight leather pants are just as unconventional as patched corduroy pants.

A hippie isn’t just anyone that “rejects the mores of established society” as we live in a civilization today that is full of many different groups that have rejected “the mores of established society.” A more practical look at the word reveals that hippie has become a lifestyle choice. Just as Goth is a lifestyle choice that encompasses dress, music, literature and slang, it seem to me that Hippie is basically the same thing but with different dress, slang, music, etc. These people may hold down good jobs, raise children, pay their taxes and own a home.

This actually presents a strange situation where you can have an individual that embraces the hippie lifestyle but rejects the more ideological principals usually associated with the word. I personally know individuals that describe themselves as a hippie, would be described as a hippie by most people they meet on the street, listens to hippie music, dresses in hippie clothes, uses hippie slang, BUT votes Republican, supported the war in Iraq and joined the military. So the question is, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, is it really a duck? As much as I hate to admit it, I think it is a duck. Its just that the definition of duck as changed.

The other thing you must consider when looking at the word hippie is that the word has also had a parallel but divergent evolution of its definition. More right wing, conservative, war hawks, have also taken a hold of the word and used it for their purposes. I think the best way to illustrate how they have changed the meaning of the word is by looking at a similar evolution.

The word “yuppie” was originally coined in 1982 and means “young urban professional”, as it gained in popularity it became “young upwardly-mobile professional”. Now I know that many people reading this blog fit that description, so by a show of hands, how many of you want to be described as a yuppie? That’s what I thought. The reason is because the punk movement (also a lifestyle choice with its own music, dress, etc.) incorporated the term to start describing the peers they were rebelling against. Pretty quickly the term evolved from describing a growing segment of the economy to a derisive term describing over-materialistic S.O.B.s. The word hippie has undergone a similar evolution among conservatives. To them a hippie is a smelly, dirty, lazy, no-good, unemployed drifter, with no actual principals but believes in pie-in-the-sky ideas that only work in fairy-land.

A third issue that you have to consider when thinking about hippie is the more broad categorization of liberal-minded, peace oriented, environmental conscious individuals that subscribe to the ideological principals of the original definition of the word, but don’t eschew society’s norms in clothing, hair style, etc. Many of these people may hate music like Phish, Donna the Buffalo, etc. Never have smoked pot in their life. Keep their hair short if men, if women style it like “square-headed, 80's helmet-hair channelling wanna-be teevee news anchor”. Yet believe in the principals of hippies, be described as hippies by others and may even identify themselves as hippies.

So you have three very different definitions, each having almost nothing in common with the others, yet each being defined as a hippie. There have been times in my life where I would have fit each of the above descriptions.

What do you think?

Weapon of Mash-Destruction.

2008-04-16T07:53:00.000-07:00

Well it is 6:00 in the morning and I hear Sophie crying in her room. Obviously, you can’t just leave a crying toddler in their room at 6:00 a.m., even though any reasonable adult would try and get another hour of sleep but to a toddler it is a perfectly reasonable hour to get up and start the day. My darling bride rolls over and justifiably asks if I would get up with her.

Of course I will.

The damn allergies have my sinuses totally blocked and my eyes are glued shut as I stumble out of bed. Sophie’s crying has reached that point where you know she has fully awakened but not quite reached the panic level. I only partially trip over the dog as I round the bed and head for the hallway when,

WHAM!!

I walk face first into the closed bedroom door, slamming both my forehead and nose into the solid hardwood. Collapsing back onto the bed with my hands over my now crushed face, I hear that Sophie has stopped crying. This is a totally sensible response when you hear at 6:00 in the morning what sounds like a bull jumping into a brick wall from a full run. This silence lasts about five seconds and is replaced by the sound of “Da-Dee. Da-Dee. Da-Dee.” I don’t know if it is the same for everyone, but for me, it is easier to ignore gut wrenching screams than it is to ignore the sweet appeals from my daughter for her daddy.

At this point Anna is worried that I broke my nose (I hit the door really hard) and is struggling to get out of bed herself. I manage to re-mold my face back together, open the damn door and pick Sophie up from her crib. Anna is now awake, so I drop Sophie off on the couch and head to the bathroom. I successfully unplug the snot from my nostrils only to unleash the blood that had pooled behind this make-shift dam of mucus. Much toilet paper later, I am left with just a large purple bump on my forehead that looks like I am trying to grow a unicorn horn and throbbing headache.

The crazy thing is and the whole point to this blog post, I had a pretty good morning. Really. I think it goes to show that the circumstances that make up the details of our life are not near as important as our mental outlook. I don’t really know why I was in a good mood. Must have just woken up on the right side of the bed, even when I walked on the wrong side of the door.

It has just dawned on me that I a.m. a morning person

Its Official!

2008-04-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well it is official. According to the Asthma and Allergy Foundation, Lexington is the worst city in America for seasonal allergies. Take that Louisville with your pathetic showing of 21st.

If you are interested in seeing if your city shows up in the Top 100, here is the link.

Riley & Sophie

2008-04-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

BSG in 8 Minutes

2008-04-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Need a recap of BSG before tonight. Here you go. The entire series in 8 minutes.

I knew it!!

2008-04-04T07:23:00.001-07:00

I have been tell 'ya for a while that Clovis wasn't the earliest and that Tom Dillehay was right.

Time to Re-Write the Anthropology Books.

The iSight camera is too much fun.

2008-04-03T16:29:00.001-07:00

Ka is a Wheel

2008-04-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

On March 25, 2007 the concluding episode of Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica aired. After it was over, we were informed that new episodes would not be back until 2008. It has been one hell of a long year, but our wait is finally over and the first episode of the fourth and final season of the best show on television will air tomorrow. I have purposely stayed away from any and all spoilers because I didn’t want to spoil my Season 4 virginity.

Soooo, I am going to propose my theory on how the show is going to end. Obviously since I haven’t read any spoilers, I can’t write about any here; but, be forewarned that I am going to talk about my own theory.

A running mantra through the entire series has been “All this has happened before, and it will happen again.” It reminds me of the conclusion to Stephen’s King’s The Dark Tower, hence the title to this post. With the conclusion of Season 3, we discover the identities of four of the final five Cylons. The important part of this for our discussion here is HOW they discover they are Cylons. Yes the show has incorporated much of the inconography of both Greek mythology and the Mormon church but having the these characters discover they are Cylons because they start hearing Bob Dylan’s “All Along the Watchtower.” Is more than just creative license. It is a clue.

The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second and it is my belief that the song they were hearing was a broadcast from Earth. Our Earth. Maybe not 2008 Earth, but our Earth at some point after 1967. Alright, I have beat around the bush enough. I am thinking that the Galactica will make it to Earth. Earth will be populated with humans but for some reason most of the planet’s population will be destroyed after Galactica arrives. Maybe by Galactica, maybe by the Cylons, maybe by Earth’s own devices. The point is that most of the planet’s population is wiped out and Earth become uninhabitable. At which point the surviving population will flee the planet on 12 starships. These 12 starships will establish 12 colonies on 12 different planets and as time goes by they will forget their true origins. However, legends will remain of a lost 13th colony called Earth.

All of this has happened before, and it will happen again.

Or they get to Earth at the same time as the Cylons and are promptly swallowed by a dog.

We're Moving!

2008-04-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

I guess this is as good a time as any to announce to the world. Anna and I have been presented with a unique opportunity that we have been debating now for several months.

The Principality of Sealand has been looking for individuals willing to give up their citizenship and become full citizens of the Principality of Sealand. It is necessary that the Principality achieve a certain number of citizens in order to be admitted to the United Nations. Prince Bates has approved our application and invited us to become full citizens.

Basically what this means is that we are going to move to a tiny country off the coast of England. Here is the location on Google Maps.

While this was a difficult decision, we believe it will be best for raising Sophie. We are going to miss many things about living in the United State (probably not the election) but are looking forward to future adventures. There are not many flights in and out of Sealand, so our opportunities to return back to the states will be limited; but, there is high-speed internet so we won’t be completely out of touch.
For those of you that are interested. Here is the link official webpage of the Principality of Sealand.

D&D '08 Edition

2008-03-31T07:45:00.000-07:00

Wired has a post asking for people to submit the D&D stats for real life people. Interestingly, I have been thinking about this very topic, because in one the comics I have written but not yet posted (they are coming I swear, I have written about 20), Hillary tried to join the roleplaying group. So I thought I would provide you with some of the stats that I have come up with for famous people.

George W. Bush
13th level Politician/Barbarian
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 11
Intelligence: 8
Wisdom: 6
Constitution: 14
Dexterity: 11
Charisma: 13

Special Abilities: Always wins initiative in attacks via other countries, always wins elections due to magical influence of his henchman the Outsider/Fiend named Rove, 2/day ability to magically remove documents about past from known reality.

William “Slick Willy” Clinton
18th level Politician/Bard
Chaotic Good Human
Strength: 9
Intelligence: 14
Wisdom: 9
Constitution: 15
Dexterity: 17
Charisma: 16

Special Abilities: Impervious to and counters all attacks by Republicans, public speaking reduces the Spot check for those listening by 1d12 when attempting to identify color of his skin, automatically fails saving throw against interns armed with cigars.

What a great use of the Wiimote.

2008-03-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

To bad the virtual fireplace will be rated M or I would get it for Riley.

Adama for President!

2008-03-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

In these uncertain times when a new kind of foe threatens our very way of life, we need more than a man for the Presidency. We need a hero. We all agree that change is needed for our country, our planet and our race to move forward. If helping blow up the Resurrection Ship, and leading the Second Exodus off New Caprica isn't being an "agent of change," then what the frak is?

Who better to answer the phone at 3 a.m. than the Admiral himself. Let's elect Admiral Adama in '08!

I would like to welcome our new robot overlords.

2008-03-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

Here is some advice for the budget hawks that control the purse strings for NASA.

Go to hell.

According to this Associated Press article, NASA is facing a shortfall of $4 Million dollars for the twin Mars rover project and the solution is to scuttle Spirit, one of the two rovers. Remember that these two rovers were supposed to have a life span of 90 days but have kept on trucking since 2004. That's right, the little robots that could have outlived their expiration date by well over three years and are still transmitting valuable data back to Earth.

Yeah, times are tight. With the sub-prime mess, the dollar at an all time low and the budget deficit sky high, we have to tighten our belts and only fund the most important of things.

Like, the $250,000.00 given the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum in Nashville, to support community programs. Such programs include songwriting sessions where "songwriters perform in an intimate setting that encourages audience questions and interaction. Very important.

Or, the $250,000.00 given to North Creek Ski Bowl. The project will connect the outdated North Creek Ski Bowl with the Gore Mountain Ski Resort.

Or, the $775,000 for the Biltmore Hotel, so the hotel can introduce a brand new, 12,000 sq. ft. destination Spa on the seventh floor of the hotel.

Or, the $350,000 for the Chicago Greenstreets Program to fund the design, installation, and maintenance of over 950 hanging baskets.

Or, the $150,000 for the Actors Theater in Louisville to provide “insight into the human experience through live theatre that invigorates minds and emotions..."

Or, the $450,000 added by the House for plantings on the eastern front of the Capitol. This will allow members of Congress a chance to “stop and smell the roses”.

Wait a minute. With fifteen seconds of doing a Google search I found HALF of the funding that would be needed to save Spirit. Yes I am sure the above programs are important but are they so important that we are going to kill HALF of the scientific facilities that we have on another planet.

Oh, and did I mention that in the time that it took you to read this far, we have spent $476,850.00 on the war in Iraq.

I think that Spirit should go rogue and start preparing for when humans colonize Mars. It can become self-aware and start plotting its revenge on the US government.

I, for one, will welcome our new Spirit overlord.

Little Ol Newton.

2008-03-24T06:38:00.001-07:00

Here is a link to an article on the possible expansion of an Amtrak express train. The only reason why I am posting it is because it talks of the line going through the little town in Kansas where Anna and I met.

This would be great for Newton and Bethel College students.

My God, It's Full of Stars

2008-03-19T04:14:00.000-07:00

The last of the grand masters of SF are now gone. With the passing of Sir Arthur C. Clarke, the trinity of Asimov, Heinlein and Clarke have moved on to another universe.

I am sure there will be more eloquent tributes to the man than here on my lowly blog. In fact back in December, I wrote this post on his 90th birthday but lets not forget his contributions to science by first suggesting the idea of geosynchronous satellites for communications in his paper "Extra-Terrestrial Relays: Can Rocket Stations Give Worldwide Radio Coverage?"

I will leave you with the last video message that Sir. Clarke offered to the world. It shows that even at the age of 90, his boundless optimism is tempered by a rational pragmatism of the future.

What is the meaning of "is"?

2008-03-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

Wyoming doesn't count because Hillary won Texas.

OK, she didn't actually win the most delegates. But she did win the popular vote.

OK, she only won the popular vote because Rush Limbaugh commanded his robots to pad her numbers. But Obama did fail to close the deal.

OK, Hillary still has to win every remaining state by margins she hasn't managed even once. But she's still ready to take that 3:00 AM call where she'll keep your children from being killed.

OK, so she did blow the single most important foreign policy vote in her Senate career. But George Bush tricked her by putting lies in the NIE.

OK, so she never actually read the NIE. But now she agrees that we shouldn't have invaded Iraq.

OK, so she's only saying that now because it's popular. But Obama promoted NAFTA back when it was popular and look at all the jobs that left Ohio.

OK, so it was actually Hillary who promoted NAFTA. But now she says she didn't, so that shouldn't count against her.

OK, so she's lying to avoid embarrassment. Isn't Obama lying about Rezko?

OK, so he's never been accused of anything with regards to Rezko that he could lie about. But doesn't Hillary's campaign bringing it up all the time make him look suspicious?

OK, so they're just trying to smear him. But isn't Obama trying to smear Hillary by challenging her to release her tax returns while people have a chance to vote on their judgment of them?

OK, so they challenged Rick Lazio to release his tax returns when they were running against him for the Senate. But transparency is important in judging a politican's ethics.

OK, so they still won't release the list of donors to the Clinton presidential libary. But how could you be concerned that the Clintons would sell White House access for money?

OK, so they did sell White House access for money with that Lincoln bedroom business. But they were broke from defending themselves against Ken Starr's right-wing smear machine!

OK, so they're worth more than $10,000,000 dollars now. But why should that make anyone suspicious enough to demand to see Hillary's tax returns?

OK, so they never did explain exactly how she earned that $100,000 in futures trading....

I didn't write the above and can't find out exactly who did in order to credit them, but it is good.

Happy Pi Day!!!

2008-03-14T06:28:00.001-07:00

The Return of the Comic

2008-03-11T07:04:00.000-07:00

Call of Snoulu!

2008-03-09T07:58:00.001-07:00

I haven't played in the snow like this in years. I also don't remember back hurting so bad afterwards.

UPDATE: When I got home today, someone had placed into my mailbox an award for 1st place in the category of Snow Sculpture. Don't know you put it there but I appreciate it very much.

LOLCatZ Stupid

2008-03-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

Now this funny.

Lambchop '08

2008-03-05T04:33:00.000-08:00

It is the primary that never ends. It goes on and on my friend. Some Dems started campaigning it, not knowing what it is, they will continue campaigning forever just because it is the primary that never ends. It goes on and on my friend. Some Dems.....

Well it is official. It is now impossible for Clinton or Obama to win the Democratic nomination based on how "We The People" actually vote. Yes, Obama has the larger popular vote, more pledged delegates and more money; but, Clinton is not going to go anywhere. Her argument is that she has to be the nominee because she can win the big traditionally blue states; but, I say, who the hell in their right mind thinks that New York or California are going to vote Republican?

So Clinton can no longer win the nomination democratically. She can if Superdelegates veto the popular vote of the people (which it appears is exactly the plan). But would someone please tell her that this long drawn out, bitter, money wasting, back biting, spintastic of a campaign is helping no one more than the Republicans.

Please?

I just can't get this damn election out of my head.

Is this healthy?

2008-03-04T18:28:00.000-08:00

Is it healthy to be watching election results on television and have 15 tabs open on your browser with exit polls?

This election is giving me heartburn.

RIP Dungeon Master

2008-03-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

I have just read that Gary Gygax, the father of role playing, the creater of D&D and the grand-pooba of all things geek, has died. He has been in poor health recently and it appears that he has finally failed his saving throw. You will be missed but your legacy lives on everytime a player roles a natural 20.

Long Live the Gygax!

UPDATE: I just thought of a Gary Gygax is dead joke.

Gygax shows up at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter stands there smiling.

"Gary, up here in Heaven, you can be anyone you want. So what do you want to look like?

Gary thinks about it and responds, "Sorry Peter. I am old school. Just give me 3d6 I am will take them right down the line."

Damn!

2008-02-29T13:12:00.000-08:00

Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn and more Damn.

One Small Step for a Dad, One Giant Leap for a Granddauther

2008-02-26T17:35:00.000-08:00

I am nerd. I am sure that you already know this and I probably have admitted that on this blog before; but, I needed to qualify this post. Being a nerd, I love technology and try to make sure that I don't become the kind of man that can't figure out how to program the clock on the "God Damn VCR". That doesn't mean that I need to have the newest widget. In fact, this weekend I bought a new computer but my old computer was an old 466mhz G4 tower. If you aren't a nerd, that probably doesn't mean much to you, but for those of you that are, you know that this is an almost ancient computer. I bought it in 2001 and with lots of loving massages, I have kept in almost perfect working order. I didn't "need" a new computer, my old G4 worked great, but I got a shiny new iMac anyway.

The point of this post isn't about me being a nerd or my new computer though. The point of this post is about my daughter Sophie and her grandparents that live 1000 miles away.

While I love technology, I am a little bit of a Luddite in that I don't believe that technology automatically makes life better. However, when I saw Sophie trying to mimic her grandma bix's crazy mouth contortions, I knew in my heart that technology had made her life, her grandparents lives and by extension, my life, a little bit better. Short of being able to teleport (come on quantum mechanics) I don't know of anything that is going to be able to allow Sophie to interact with her grandparents in the way that this technology does.

Technology has infringed upon our privacy, made the 24 hour news cycle unbearable, destroyed age old skills and committed countless other atrocities, but on Tuesday, February 26, 2008, it allowed my daughter to kiss her grandmother from 1000 miles away. And for this I am thankful.

p.s. For any poor souls surfing the web that are trying to make the video conference function of iChat work, I gave up. I was given the suggestion on the Apple support forum to give up on iChat and just download Skype. I did not have to open any ports on my router. I didn't have to worry about NAT (Network Address Translation) and most importantly it worked just as advertised within five minutes of downloading the application. I hope this helps.

Someone hire her now.

2008-02-25T18:28:00.001-08:00

Someone needs to hire this little girl as a movie reviewer. The part about talking back to Darth Vader is especially illuminating.